#I feel like since I wrote in a personal letter my official apologies for annoying him with stuff on Twitter something really happened

[flamingplay]

.

[johnsamericano]

𝓓𝓪𝔂 3:

ѕυн נσнииу

23 days of NCT masterlist.

warnings: tooth-rotting shit, Johnny is a dick at the beggining, inexperienced reader, fem masturbation, it's kinda bad but I hope you enjoy.

taglist: @notbeforelong @curieouscapt @whathamelon @unknown5tar

“I’m going out with my friends tonight, don’t wait up for me.” He commented while slipping his black, leather shoes on.

“Drive carefully .” You answered as you popped a cup of instant ramen inside the microwave.

“Yeah.” You took a deep breath after the door closed behind him. Freedom finally.

You turned on the Tv, setting the volume louder than usual. Johnny didn’t like noise, to be honest, he probably didn’t even like you. He had so many house rules, you couldn’t even breathe without getting scolded by him. Not even three months had passed since your wedding and you already felt like you were in some sort of military camp.

“God, it smells so nice.” You murmured, pulling out the hot cup from the microwave and dumping the content in a bowl.

You ate on the sofa, another thing that Johnny hated, while watching your favorite series, enjoying your time alone. If it wasn’t for your parents, you would’ve never agreed to marry him, but they sounded so excited with the idea that you couldn’t refuse them, it wasn’t like you had a line of men waiting for you anyways.

You decided to have a little dessert, a mug cake, to be specific. You decided to make one for Johnny as well, the memories of you as kids eating all sorts of candies coming back to you as to mixed all the ingredients together. What happened to him during high school? All you knew was that he studied abroad and came back like a completely different man. He wasn’t your Johnny anymore. Of course, you were sad at first, but your sadness soon turned into anger as his attitude towards you got worse.

“Get lost.” Or “You’re so annoying.” Were some of the things you’d often hear.

You stopped trying after a semester, and it was quite healing to be honest. But then your parents had to bring him back to your life, and in the worst way possible. Nevertheless, they seemed happy, knowing that someone nice was living with you. Of course, they didn’t know the new Johnny.

After eating up all your food, you washed the dishes and laid down on the couch, your eyelids slowly closing as you drifted away. It wasn’t until a couple of hours later when a pair of arms woke you.

“Huh?” You opened your eyes a bit disoriented.

Johnny held you between his arms, carrying you towards your shared bedroom, which he almost never used.

“Go back to sleep, I got you.” He tucked you in with delicate movements. You could sense alcohol in his breath, but he wasn’t acting drunk at all. “Close your eyes.” He murmured as he felt your gaze over him.

“If alcohol was all it took for you to be nice, I would’ve poured some whiskey on your morning coffee every day.” He couldn’t help but chuckle at your remarks.

“I’ve been a bit rude to you, haven’t I?” He kneeled down in front of the bed, his thumb tracing the shape of your eyebrow. Now you were certain he was drunk. “I’m sorry, I still don’t know how to act around you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Ever since you rejected me-”

“I’m sorry, what?” You frowned.

“You know, the letter I sent you when I was abroad...” He tried helping you remember, things getting clearer for him at your lack of response. “You didn’t get it, did you?” You shook your head. “Shit.”

“So you’ve been an ass to me for a letter I didn’t even get? Way to go, Suh.” Anger started boiling at the bottom of your stomach, sleepiness abandoning your system. “God, I wanna hit you so bad right now.”

“Please, do so.” He felt like a piece of garbage, having treated the girl he loved like his worst enemy for a misunderstanding. “But, hypothetically, if you had gotten that letter...what would’ve been your answer?” He fidgeted with the bedsheets, feeling your legs shift under them.

“I don’t know, what did it say?”

“I’m not gonna tell you what a lame 14 year old wrote to his crush.” He scoffed. “It was just a love confession, quite cheesy if you ask me.”

“If I had gotten that letter...” You cupped his soft cheeks, they were burning, probably because of the drinks he’d had, or maybe because of your touch. “I would’ve begged my parents to let me take a flight to see you, so I could answer to your confession in person.” His heart stopped, the answer he’d longed for so many years was finally about to slip from your mouth. “I did like you, John. But then you abruptly changed, and you hurt me so much during this past years.” Your words sounded unforgiving, and yet, you had the softest look on your moonlit face. “But I’m willing to let that go if you tell me what you’re feeling right now.”

He didn’t hesitate to pull your face closer to his, your noses slightly touching.

“I’m so glad you agreed to marry me, that way I get to spend the rest of my life with the woman I’ve loved for so many years. Only if you want that too, of course.”

“Will rude Johnny be back tomorrow morning?” You asked, your eyebrows knitted together.

“Rude Johnny’s dead.” His sweet smile encouraged you to finally shorten the distance between your lips. It was your very first real kiss as a couple.

Your lips fitted perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces. He was the first to make a move, placing his hand on the back of your neck to pull you closer as he climbed on top of your body. The kiss started getting heated, his tongue freely exploring your mouth as his hands got playful, softly kneading your breast.

The palms of your hands touched his well built pecs, a small gasp escaping your mouth as you realized how strong he really was. He was definitely not the skinny teenager you were in love with.

“What is it, baby?” He smiled, his cheeks turning slightly pink, your wide eyes looking attentively at him.

“Did you eat teenage Johnny or something?” He laughed, the prettiest and most genuine laugh you’d ever heard from him.

“No, but there’s someone else I’m surely gonna eat out tonight.” You smack his chest, a high pitched whine coming out from his mouth. “What was that for?”

“Don’t talk like that...it’s my first time.” He’d already guessed it by the fact that you’d never had a boyfriend or a proper date, but it was still shocking to hear it from your own mouth.

“Then I guess I’ll have to be gentle.” His long fingers started undoing the buttons of his dress shirt right in front of your inexperienced eyes, cockily smirking at the way you’d unconsciously bite your lower lip. “Can I ask something?” You nodded, eyes still glued to his half naked chest. “The day of our wedding...was that your first kiss?” You remembered the lame peck you received as soon as the officiant declared you husband and wife.

“Sadly.” He felt as if a hundred needles were stabbing his lovesick heart.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, kissing your soft lips over and over again. “I stole your first kiss.”

“Then make up for it.” You raised your hips, your sensitive core meeting with his bulge and stealing a gasp from both of you.

His hungry lips attached to your neck, sucking several purple marks on it as your hands quickly worked through the remaining buttons of his shirt, helping him slide it down his arms. Even with the lack of light in your room, you could see his torso perfectly, the way his biceps would twitch as his hands slipped inside your shirt, thumbs caressing the soft skin of your tummy.

“Johnny.” You moaned, his hands moving upwards to play with your hard nipples.

“Turn on the light on the nightstand, I want to see you.” He murmured beside your ear, kissing the shell of it as you extended your arm to do as he said.

You blinked repeatedly, trying to adjust to the new illumination. Johnny looked even more ethereal under the dim, yellow light.

“Why have you got to be so damn perfect?” Your fingers traced his well-defined abs, mesmerized by the shape of them. While you were distracted drooling over his body, he took the chance to lift your shirt just above your round boobs, moaning at the sight of the two, beautiful mounds. Reality stroke you as you felt your nipples harden from the cold air. “Don’t look at me like that.” You avoided his eyes, your body growing hotter under his intense gaze.

“How do you expect me to look at the woman I love?” You turned to your side, shirt still lifted.

“Stop it.” Johnny loved how shy you’d always been around him, specially whenever he complimented you.

“No.” He pecked your cheek, hands going down to remove your shorts, stopping right before lowering the waistband. “Are you really okay with this?” You nodded, still refusing to look at him.

“Are you?”

“What a silly question, of course I am.” Without any further delay, he pulled both of the pieces covering your lower half down. You pressed your legs together, trying to hide your wet center. “Why are you hiding yourself from me, baby?” He mocked, hands caressing your round ass.

“I’ve never been naked in front of anyone.” He was quick to dispose his remaining clothes, wanting to make you feel more comfortable.

“Look at me.” His big hand was holding the side of your head as you turned back to him, trying your best not to look down at his manhood. “Open your legs for me.” As he was the experienced one, you decided to let him take the lead, slowly revealing yourself to him. “Good girl.” His praises only sent electric shocks right into your core.

“Are you gonna put it inside now?” Adorable, Johnny thought, using his finger pads to tease your inner thighs.

“No, I need to prepare you first. Otherwise, it might hurt.” He’d done it thousands of times, but it somehow felt different with you, as if he had to be extra careful to make sure you had the most pleasurable experience, even if it meant having to endure the stinging pain between his legs for a while longer.

He first used his middle finger to run it up and down your slit, satisfied at how wet you were for him. He talked you through every single one of his movements, making sure you were comfortable with everything he was doing.

“Johnny.” You whined, three fingers pumping in and out of your entrance. It was definitely different than when you did it by yourself, his digits reached deeper, delivering a new kind of pleasure. “I need you.”

He hummed, pulling out his fingers to grab the base of his dick. He ran the tip over your slit, your hips slightly bucking at the contact.

“Tell me when it stops hurting.” He was only halfway in when you asked him for a break, already feeling overwhelmingly full. “Don’t worry, take your time.” He said despite feeling the urgent need to move.

It took you a few minutes to recover, letting him bottom out. The pain was bearable after that first break, so you almost immediately asked him to move. Johnny started off slowly, both of his hands beside your head as he rolled his hips against yours.

“Does it feel good?” He didn’t even need a verbal answer, your facial expressions were more than enough to let him know just how good he was making you feel. “I’m not gonna last long.”

“Me neither.” You held onto his biceps, the knot on your tummy becoming tighter as he picked up the pace.

He lowered his face to connect your lips, both of you moaning into each other’s mouth as you reached your high, bare chests touching each other while you tried to slow your heartbeat.

“I wish this would’ve been out wedding night.” He kissed your collarbone, pulling out to plop down beside you. “Again, I’m really sorry.”

“Let it go already, John.” You hugged his naked body against yours, letting his hand play with your hair. “As long as you’re like this from now on, we’ll be alright.”

You didn’t even notice when your eyes started closing again, falling asleep beside your now loving husband. The next morning you panicked as he wasn’t by your side anymore. Had it been a dream?

“Good morning, sunshine.” Johnny suddenly came through the door, a tray with food between his hands. “You must be hungry after last night.” He left it on top of your legs, smiling naturally as if this was your everyday routine.

It was definitely gonna take time to adjust to this Johnny.

“Heart shaped sandwiches? That’s so corny, Suh.” You laughed, staring at your food with sparkly eyes.

“Hey! That took me two hours to make.” He went to the bathroom and returned with a hairbrush. “Your hair’s a mess, let me fix it while you eat.” He sat down behind you, slowly going through your hair as you stuffed your face with food.

“Does this mean I’m not gonna have to add whiskey to your morning coffee?” He chuckled behind you, pressing his lips to the back of your neck.

“That won’t be necessary.” He tied your hair up in a not-so-messy bun, lacing his arms and legs around your waist once he was done. “You look cute on my shirt.” You hadn’t even noticed. Probably he’d cleaned you up and dressed you right after you fell asleep.

“I look cute in everything.”

“Yes you do.” More kisses. “Now hurry up, we’re going out today.”

“Where to?”

“I’m taking you out on our very first date.”

[notnctu]

to jeno, my orientation leader ♡

To All The J’s I’ve Loved Before Series by notnctu ♡ lee jeno x fem!reader ♡ genre - fluff ♡ wc - 1.5k ♡ warnings - n/a ♡ synopsis - in which you bump into the sugary sweet orientation leader, who you were so love struck for back in your first year  ♡ taglist - @colpen​ ; @cestmoncoeur​ ; @hyucksberry​ ; @whorefortaeyong​ ; @jaeismytamtation ; @lexiluness​ ♡ a/n - sorry, but it didn’t let us tag some of you guys?? pls make sure your blog is visible to searches in order to get tagged !! let us know if you want to be on the taglist for the next ones!

Jeno,

This just seems ridiculous. I know that I’m a hopeless romantic and I know I fall easily, but of all the people in the world? You, my orientation leader.

Lee Jeno, 2nd year Computer Science major, uses him/his pronouns. I will never forget your hesitant wave, small smile, and way your eyes rose into crescents. I knew I had fallen for that eye smile immediately.

I’m pretty sure I made it obvious too, I was practically floating around you, doe-eyed to everything you did, and flustered whenever you said my name even if it was just for checking if the whole group was there.

Watching you walk around campus, passionately and happily explaining all the quirks of the campus, I wondered how going on a date with you would be like. I could imagine how excited you would be looking at the variety of flavors in an ice cream parlor. I even wondered if we would have the same favorite, though you do seem like you’d like strawberry over chocolate.

And of course, I made it worse by spilling my water all over you during lunch. You got up and just laughed, reassuring me that it wasn’t a big deal and it was just water but I was too embarrassed and flustered trying to find napkins. Yet, even though you were the one that got their pants wet, you still handed me a napkin.

My heart was going to burst out of my chest and it was so hard to stop every atom in my body to just run away in embarrassment.

Though this mindless, thoughtless crush only lasted maybe no more than two days, I still shoved my face into the pillow at night, giggling at how sugary sweet you made me feel, dreaming about how you would be like.

I wished that you were thinking about me into your pillow too.

-from the shy first year in your orientation group, y.n

It wasn’t everyday that you passed through the center of campus on a Wednesday. Wednesdays were when the clubs, fraternities and sororities boothed, bugging every student they saw to join their organization. But today, you were late for class and the fastest way to your lecture hall was through the courtyard.

With your earbuds on, you tried to blend and rush through the crowds, but so frequently students were chatting with their friends, creating walls. Getting annoyed, you tried your best to weave through. When someone suddenly swerves, you find yourself swinging to the left only to crash into someone else.

You start wobbling backwards, not able to fully regain balance, prepared to fall until someone else’s back bounces you onto your feet.

“Oh my bad, are you okay?” The quiet voice behind you asked.

Turning around, ready to apologize for your own clumsiness you face the dainty sweet eyes you haven’t thought about since first year.

Lee Jeno, second year - well now third year, computer science major, him/his. You could never forget his orientation introduction, it was the first thing he said to you. He made you forget everything, all the words you learned throughout your entire lifespan, the direction of your lecture, even how to breathe.

Now though, his jawline had become sharper and his shoulders definitely got broader. He was still reserved, but he wasn’t as shaky and nervous as before. Though he didn’t change much, the changes were subtle in the way he held himself. Shy, but comfortable with himself and everything around him. He wasn’t exactly the same as he was during orientation, but he was still similar, he had just grown up.

The letter you wrote comes into your mind. The sour sweet feelings repeat in your head, heart, and hands. You remember sighing at how fast your second letter came, disappointed in your hopeless romantic self for needing to write a letter before you even officially started college. At the same time, the sugary sweetness that he left as you wrote it still made your heart whirl.

“You okay?” he sounds concerned as he asks again, interrupting your thoughts. Realizing that you have been spacing out to his face for the past two minutes, you clear your throat.

“I-uh, yea!” Finding your voice again, hoping it doesn’t sound as skippy as it did in your head. “I’m sorry, I was just in a ru-”

“Oh my god, aren’t you, from my orientation group back in second year- oh well, I mean your first year or I guess even before that.” His eye smile starts growing as he rambles, causing the butterflies to flutter against your stomach more than they already had.

How could he possibly remember you? He had at least eight groups of 15 first years, how could he possibly remember you. You try to stop your eyes from widening and your cheeks from flushing, but his perfect laugh signals that he definitely saw your hesitation.

“I could never forget my first orientation group,” He nervously rubs the back of his neck. “I remember dreading the first day, I was so nervous.”

“Haha I think I was more nervous than you were.” You chuckled, completely abandoning the urgent lecture you had trading it for the conversation you two were having that was already far more words you both exchanged a year ago.

“Maybe,” he laughs. “Starting college is always a weird thing, it’s fun to start something fresh and new, but also so scary because it means change.”

Unable to form a response, you can tell that he also doesn’t know what to say next. The silence becomes unbearable, both of you wanting to say more, but unsure if the other wants to hear it.

“Uhm, care to join Uncief?” His shy eyes look away as he hands you the flyer.

You just laugh, remembering his awkward but soft personality. As you take the flyer, you remember taking the napkin from his hand when you spilled the water all over him.

You know that him handing you the flyer was just his job, but you can’t help but feel yourself regaining the warm feeling you had when you brush fingertips. It still felt like he was being kindhearted and considerate like he was with the napkin. The same burst of your heart in your chest replays, as if there were fireworks.

You wonder if he felt the sparks too.

Even now, your small but forceful crush on him still runs mindlessly through your head. He still sent electricity through your veins. His eyes still melted into yours, you still swore you saw the entire galaxy in them.

His shy, but kindhearted soul, even if you were just imagining it, still shined. The thought of him was just as prominent as it was during orientation.

“I’ll think about it,” You smile, but his sunshine laugh can tell that you probably won’t sign up or attend meetings.

“You should come to the meeting, we give out free pizza for the first two,” His voice raised a little, trying to convince you to come. “Or at least come hang out with me.”

You almost choke on your breath, surprised that he had asked you to hang out with him. You can’t tell if this is just something he says to everyone he flyers, or if he genuinely wanted to see you another time but that doesn’t stop the somersaults from swinging in your stomach.

Your mind roams to the idea of dating him again. Sharing a pizza together in the middle of big green fields on the campus - it just seemed so perfect. It didn’t seem so impossible to go on cute dates in between classes, studying together in the library, giggling during each other's lectures. Even though your thoughts were completely mindless and based on the little to no interactions you’ve had together, it seemed like a possible reality, not just a fantasy.

But his entire being was a fantasy. He really could be a dream in real life. His delicate eyes, soft lips, caring personality, kind soul. You never thought it was possible to meet someone who possessed everything you would ever want in someone.

“But actually, Unicef looks great on resumes and we do a lot of volunteer work too,” He points to the flyer for you, leaning in closer to you and snapping you out of your daydream. You try not to hold your breath with the proximity decreasing between the two of you. “And the people are actually pretty genuine and fun, even if it just sounds like a nerd org, I mean hey, I’m still in the club.”

“O-okay, I will genuinely think about it.” You finally make eye contact with him which he returns with his signature crescents.

“Alright, I won’t bother you anymore,” He smiles, placing a hand on your shoulder, looking you directly in the eyes. “It was nice seeing you again y.n, I hope you’re not spilling water on people still.”

You stand there in shock, not expecting him to ever remember your name. He sends you one last chuckle as he walks back to his booth.

You grip the flyer as if it was gonna slip through your fingers, just like Jeno had. You knew it was naive, but you hoped that the small shy smile that lingered on his face as he started chatting with the other members was because of you.

[sckyie]

love letter | akaashi keiji

word count: 1.1k

genre: little angst in the beginning but otherwise all fluff

pronouns used: gender neutral

a/n: "i wrote eliza love letters until she fell" is whats goin on in my head writing this

✎...

Akaashi was frustrated. You and him had been arguing about spending time together and prioritizing one another. You couldn't even bear staying in the same room at the same time. Akaashi took the master bedroom while you refused to leave the office room.

"I'm sorry I can't prioritize your needs when we have rent to pay Y/n," You recalled his words. "It seems like I'm the only damn person paying bills here. Now leave me alone while I work would you?"

It wasn't like you two to sleep separately. Every night felt off whenever you slept in different places. What was even weirder was sleeping in different places but the same house. You stuck to your guns though, not giving in until Akaashi apologized for saying such harsh things.

Akaashi not knowing what to do was unnecessary aggressive when getting ready for bed. He slammed his drawer causing the photo on top to fall. The glass breaks with the frame face down. "Fuck," He mumbled. He bent down to clean it up and lifted the frame. He discovered a folded up letter behind the photo.

He picks up both the photo and the unknown letter. The photo was of you two the day he proposed. The letter however, was new to him. He opened the trifold to discover the letter addressed to him.

Dear Keiji,

If you found this, we either broke the frame or you wanted to change the photo. Either way if you find this, I want to let you know how much you mean to me.

I remember when we first met. I came to your volleyball practice looking for Konoha since he forgot his notebook in class. You were setting but when I came in you were distracted and the ball hit you straight in your face. I'm sorry for laughing at the time but you were too cute when you are embarrassed. You and I started talking after Konoha tried setting us up and failing. I'm so glad you weren't annoyed with my persistent self. I just really liked you, thankfully you liked me back.

Then our first date at the park! What a day right? We were sitting by the pond then a bird came by and you said it reminded you of Bo. It was such a fun day and I'm so happy we always go the park every year.

Our first kiss, it was at the lantern festival. You were holding my hand as we waited to let go of our lanterns. Then when the time came, we let go of the lights, you grabbed me a kissed me. I asked you what your wish was on the lantern. You said "happiness for the both of us."

Remember when you asked me to be yours officially? You were so nervous the box of chocolates fell out of your sweaty palms. It was so cute! But you made up for it by taking us out to eat at our favorite restaurant.

I don't think I ever told you when I fell in love with you. It was when we were on the flight home from Korea. After having our first little vacation together, you'd fallen asleep with your hand on mine. I just saw how peaceful you looked and it clicked. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to be beside you as you slept and be there when you woke up.

Then, you proposed. You proposed! God, I was over the moon. You organized everything, from the spot at the pond to the floating lanterns. I can't believe I'm spending the rest of my life with you Keiji. You mean so much to me. I can't wait to marry you and grow old with you. Maybe even start a little family together!

Anyways, if this frame is broken, don't cut yourself. There's a replacement one in the closet. And I hope by the time you read this we're finally married. Hopefully we're not broken up otherwise I feel bad you read through all this.

I love you Keiji. I will love you every single day of my life. Hell, you could break my heart into a million pieces and I'll still love you. Thank you for being my best friend, my love, my world.

-Y/n <3

Akaashi was tearing up at the letter. He didn't know you remembered everything. He put the letter down on his drawer and stepped over the broken glass to exit the bedroom. He walked down the hall to your shared office and hesitated to open the door. He shook his head and took a deep breath before entering.

You weren't asleep but you laid on the sofa facing away from the door. Akaashi walked over and kneeled beside you. He placed his hand on your shoulder but slowly removed it.

"I'm sorry for yelling," He says. "You don't deserve that, you're right. I work too much and I'm always distant. You deserve better, I should do better. I'm sorry baby, I am."

You remained quiet for a moment. "I love you, Y/n," He says.

You were tearing up but regardless of that, you flipped over to meet his eyes. "Promise you won't yell at me again?" You whispered.

"I promise," Akaashi wiped away the tears on your cheeks.

You sat up and lightly punched his shoulder. "That's for being a dope and hurting my feelings," You sniffled.

"Come to bed with me now?" He asked.

You nodded and the two of you walked to your bedroom. Almost immediately you spotted the broken frame on the floor. "Oh, yea, I forgot about that," Akaashi sighed.

"At least clean up before you come apologize," You joked. You looked over and saw your letter to him on the table. "Oh, did you read it?"

"Yes I did," He pecked your cheek and walked to the closet and found the replacement frame at the bottom corner. He hands you the frame before going to grab the vaccum. You fixed the photo of yourself but before you could hide the letter again Akaashi snatched it out of your hand. "I'm framing this above my desk," Akaashi smiled.

"Wait why?" You chuckled.

"Because usually I write you love letters, and this is the only one I've gotten from you," Akaashi smiled.

"Actually baby," You walked over to him and pecked his cheek. "I hid a bunch more, you just gotta find them."

Akaashi tried to stop you but you already made it into the bed and snuggled in the sheets. You opened your hands and reached out for your fiancé to come to bed. He plants a soft kiss on your lips before settling into bed. "Goodnight my love," He says. "I love you everyday."

✎...

taglist: @amillionfandoms-onlyoneme @lil-mouse-999

[bl597]

Hello! Can I get a ship? Both the eras please, or whichever suits me better. I am a ravenclaw girl. I'm pretty shy and introverted. I'm a chaotic mom friend. I have a dark sense of humour tho I've a miss lil sunshine vibe around me. My head is always filled with plans for pranks but I seldom execute them. I love reading, writing, baking, and swimming. I am an affectionate person (no one could have guessed that). I have brown eyes, black hair, and golden natural skin. Thank you💕 ilysfm💖

Hey love!! Of course, hope you like it 🥰❤

warnings: hm none I guess?, just fluff!!!!!!, english is not my first language, so I'm sorry for any mistakes!!

my masterlist ♡ join my sleepover!

I ship you with... Cedric Diggory!

you two met during a Hogsmead trip

sure, you always heard about the famous Diggory, the Hufflepuff's seeker and one of the most handsome guys in Hogwarts

it was almost impossible not to know who was Cedric Diggory

but you only officially met during your fift year

you were with your friends hanging out around Hogsmead's shops

when you saw a book that you've been wanting for a while and you just needed to buy it!!

so you told them that you'd be back in a sec and left

you entered the shop and your eyes just lit up at the many magic products

and you just felt like you were in heaven

you were excitedly walking around the shop, looking for your dear book

when you hit something

at first you thought it was the wall, but you heard someone saying a small "ouch" and you looked up

realising it was a person, a very handsome hufflepuff boy

you immediately started apologizing to him and helped him get the stuff that fell when you bumped into him

he just gave you a charming smile and said it was nothing, and then introduced himself

and you were shooked™

because you had just bumped into none other than Cedric Fucking Diggory!!

you introduced yourself too because you didn't want to look like an idiot

then he gave you a last charming smile before leaving the shop

leaving you a blushing mess

you weren't the type to blush so easily, especially because of someone you just met! what had just happened?

okay

after that day you started noticing Cedric around the castle

and you realised you two actually shared a lot of classes????? how come you never noticed this boy before???

and you two started talking and you realised you two actually had a lot in common

you two became friends :D

after a few months, baby boy finally got the courage to ask you out you said yes ofc

you two went to Hogsmead and visited that shop where you two first met

he's such a gentleman and treats you like the princess you are

if someone ever dares to say some shit about you, he won't hesitate to lose Hufflepuff some points to defend his baby

don't worry, he gets more points later!

he always buys small gifts and candies, no matter how many times you tell him he doesn't have to do it

and when he found out you write oMg this boy is like your number 1 supporter!!!

he always asks you to read the things you wrote because he loves it

but if you feel uncomfortable or insecure with showing someone else your works

he would definitely understand and will never press you to do anything you don't want to

he loves studying and baking with you!!!

I mean, he isn't really the best at cooking or baking but he tries

because the smile you give him when he does something right is the bestest thing he's ever seen

and he would do anything to put a smile on your face

he just loves you so much ugh

he's the best boyfriend ever

~

I ship you with... Sirius Black!

you two actually already knew each other ever since you were kids because you lived in the same neighborhood as his family

so you always played together

and you were the absolute bestest friends ever

he would always go to your house and you would always go to his

so when you received your Hogwarts letters and oh boi

you were so excited to finally meet Hogwarts and see with your own curious eyes how marvelous it was

you always heard about Hogwarts from your parents and cousins and you couldn't wait to have your own memories there

you and Sirius bought your materials together

and he was always joking around with you

anywaYs

you sat together at the train and he introduced you to a boy he just met, James Potter, and you three talked for the whole ride

you got sorted into Ravenclaw and Sirius into Gryffindor

you both were a little sad about being in different houses and being 'apart' from each other

but you promised to keep talking to each other

and you did :D

you felt a little upset that he was spending more time with James than with you but you understood

I mean, they were from the same house and liked the same things, so it's natural for them to be friends right?

anyways

you still hang out with Sirius sometimes

but spent more time with you Ravenclaw friends

and he spent more time with the oh so famous Marauders, as his small group was called

you sometimes went on small dates

as FriEndS of course

at least that's what you always told yourselves bc you didn't want to feed that annoying tiny hope that your feelings for each other maybe were mutual

haha

in one of your "friends" date with him you were in the Three Broomsticks

and when you were ordering your butterbear, madam Rosmerta approached you two with a sweet smile and asked

"what will such a sweet couple want today?"

and you were like

*awkward small laughs*

you opened your mouth to deny it and say that you unfortunately were just friends but Sirius was faster than you

"we would like two butterbeers, please"

he replied with a polite smile as she nodded and left, wishing you two a lovely date

and you were like ???sirius what was that

and he would just shrug and give you a smirk

he didn't say anything about that anymore for the rest of the date

which made you feel so fUcking nervous and anxious bc???????? come on sirius is your best friend why would he say that you were a couple???

you definitely did not want to wait any longer bc omg

you just nEEDED answers

so before heading to your common rooms, you stopped him and he looked at you with a mix of curiosity and nervousness

"yes, love?" he asked when you called him and you felt your knees go weak

i mean, he always calls you by names like this, but it just felt different now

"why didn't you deny it when madam Rosmerta said we were a couple?"

you nervously asked, already feeling the butterflies tickle your stomach while you waited for his answer

"i don't know" he shrugged, though you could see a hint of hesitation in his eyes "maybe i want us to be a couple"

and he just lEft

and you were like ???????bRO

you quickly came back to normal and realised what had just happened

and you couldn't leave it like that, not after what he just said

so you just ran towards him, not caring about the weird stares from a few people there

and when you finally reached him

you grabbed his hand and pulled him towards you, pulling him into a kiss

he was surprised at first, of course, but returned the kiss, resting his hands on your waist and pulling you closer

you pulled away a few minutes later, gasping for air

"Kash, what was that?" he asked, eyes flicking from your now plump and swollen lips to your beautiful and warm brown eyes

"maybe i want it too" you replied before quickly running to your common room

a wide smile on both your faces

let's just say that yeah, you two were a couple now *wink*

~

taglist ♡

@afilmbypeterp @fific7 @iamak20 @msmimimerton @grierpilots @idontknowwhatthisisfam @imseeinggred @kashishwrites @tsuukichan @mischiefsemimanaged @just-a-dreamer23 @ryeryemilani @pillowjj @witchglow

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hey guys,

Yu, Rai and both Jakes.

Actually..If I talk about my feelings I'm pretty well. Don't tell Jake I said that, but I couldn't be happier about our situation. I mean, we can talk again. Without me being kidnapped and finding a weird Tumblr profile of him. (Which we think was a set up by one of the entities of my world since he obviously doesn't have one. Jake thinks it was goldies doing, I on the other hand don't believe that. Don't ask me why, but it feels like goldie wouldn't do that. And it didn't help me either but only made problems. I was distracted because I was writing the profile (you read it, right Yu? I don't know about the others) and angry. Like, really angry.)

Putting that aside, Jake called me, like he promised :) And it was the longest phone call I had for some time. Most of the time I talked and he didn't get distracted once, just listened to me and everything that happened. And then he started cursing, which is kind of understandable. He apologised for being into stasis. And for this other version from before the 'time setting back' thing. Because I don't find a name I'll call it TSB from now on.

The only problem I have now is going to work, I guess I'll take me some vacation...But at least I'm not as scared of the raven-ass anymore. I mean, I still am, but in the moment I know his steps. And I am not alone.

Jake, I intentionally write the next part in red, please don't read it. That's for Yu.

I know you think that Jake sees you as a threat. If it still is like you wrote in the letter. Jake knows that, too and he doesn't like it. You know him better than I do, of course, but without saying too much...I think it's quite the opposite. Talk to him about that. Even though it's probably not the best circumstances I think he enjoys being with you :)

The next part, purple (damn, I need more coloured pens), is for you Jake.

You already told me that you don't like that Yu thinks you see her as a threat. I only have to say one thing, if it still is like that, talk to her about it. Earlier than later.

The new thoughts about the blood ritual are really interesting. But please don't put yourself in this danger (or not, but I think it's understandable what I mean?) if it isn't necessary. But I also agree with Rai, I thought the same thing for a while. That you desired having someone, Jake, with you. It sounds plausible.

What more was there...Wait, let me reread the letters.

Oh yeah, Rai! One, till now my crow crew seems to still be in stasis (Jake realised that now, too) and two..Please try to take care of your health, yeah? I'm worried for you.

Lis🐾🔥

Ps. Damn...I'm writing this exactly when I wanted to leave the house (I mean, I sadly cannot hide my face forever).

Two new things...I got a message. I mean, it was a threat (because I am the obviously the bad girl that kidnapped Hannah), but I don't care. Maybe that means the stasis is slowly dissolving!

But number 2...I didn't get the vacation. My boss called me almost immediatly. "Under no circumstances [a word is blacked out] Liska. We have July and Alice, Tim and Jenny all want to take free time, too. You are one of our best workers and we can't afford you leaving now. You have no children so you have to wait. Also Max told me that you don't have any problems in family."

So long story short: He wants me to be there tomorrow. Argh, if he would pay me like he's talking that would awesome. And I'll kill Max when I see him next time. (My cousin that thought it was fun to try and steal my work so we both got the rank of 'one of the best workers'. The only problem: Max' title is official. -.- Overall, I'm so much more annoyed than some time earlier. Maybe I should ask Jake for help

Lis,

Okay, the Crow Crew drama is fading a bit, so I'll answer this now. Sorry if I seem disjointed at all, I'm probably going to be going back and forth from conversations to this letter a lot. I can't afford to have them all think I'm compromised, I need to focus on getting out of here and I don't want to deal with their pressure on top of everything else.

Yeah, I don't think the Tumblr profile was Goldie either. Goldie seems to try to be very much a "hands off" sort of entity, like my own. The Tumblr profile thing seems a little out of character for at least my Jake. At least, publicly answering your submission certainly was, though he may have panicked since you sent it in on anon and answered publicly without really thinking about it. I guess I could see him having a Tumblr profile for purposes of following people on social media and watching what they post, though. And then deciding he likes the media and posting a little bit of impersonal things that can't lead back to him. Probably my Jake will say something about that when I hand this letter over to him, stay tuned.

Yeah, I at least read some of the things you sent that profile, and I showed what I had to my Jake too. I'm not sure if I read all of it, since it was a bunch of printed-out screenshots in an envelope, but I read the ask where you told him you hated him (fair at that point but ouch that's got to have hurt) up to when you said you'd found Hannah. After that you sent me your letter telling me time had turned back and the Tumblr screenshots ended.

I'm glad you and Jake managed to talk things out. I was sort of worried about how he'd react, but it sounds like he took it pretty well, considering. I'm... not exactly sure he should be apologizing for the stasis, though. Or the TSB!Jake. Maybe especially not the TSB!Jake. Jakes seem to be oddly different from timeline to timeline, just based on what I've seen of them. TSB has been one of the most different so far.

Oh. One thing I should mention that you might not have seen from the profile: The MWAF used your phone to mock the TSB account, and mentioned that TSB wasn't the only person who could hack, and the MWAF blocked TSB from finding your location. Might want to warn your Jake about that.

A vacation sounds like a good idea :/ It's really hard to go back to normal life right after tragedies or trauma. It feels like the world keeps moving on and you're still stuck in place, and you just want to scream at them that they need to slow down, can't they see that the world is

Good. I'm glad you don't feel alone. It's easier to deal with this stuff when you're with someone else, even if it's not physically.

(Jake, my Jake I mean, if you're reading over my parts of these letters skip to the ||| now please.) I'm not saying he doesn't also enjoy my company. I can tell he does. That doesn't make me not a threat. Like how early on I suspected Thomas, but still thought he was a nice guy and enjoyed talking to him. (Obviously I don't suspect him any more XD ) Still, if you think I should talk with him about it, I'll try to find a tactful way to bring it up.

Yes, because obviously tact is my greatest strength. Sigh.

Like I said to Rai, the underlying desire thing is definitely possible. That'd either mean I'm more obvious about how I feel for Jake than I think I am (very possible, I'm not great at hiding how I feel in person) or the entity has some level of telepathy/mind reading. The reason is that chessboard. Since Jake likes chess, it's clear at least to me the entity expected him to come here at some point. I THINK, if the underlying desire thing is true, I can manipulate myself into wanting specific things by doing things like writing it over and over and repeating it out loud when doing the ritual, but I'm not sure.

|||

It's probably good that your Crow Crew is in stasis, like how it's objectively probably good my outside life is going on without me. Less drama, less pressure.

Huh. The harassment is definitely a promising sign. Maybe you should try contacting Darkness again, same way as I suggested near the beginning? That feels so long ago, but it really can't have been much more than a week, can it?

You... didn't get the vacation. Fucking hell. Is there ANY way you can convince your boss? You really should have time off. Maybe your Jake can help you come up with ideas.

Or at least maybe he can come up with a way to have your boss give you a bonus for your trouble -_-

Oh shit Cleo's interrogating me I'm gonna hand this to Jake now

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

I agree with Yuvon: "TSB" acts markedly different from myself. There would be no benefit from me promising to be there to find you in the moment, and indeed I would have been falling for a very transparent trap. Even in my possible state of panic, I cannot see myself being there physically, much less revealing myself physically to authorities in the process, unless I was playing the role of bait in a counter-trap. While it is plausible that this was TSB's plan, TSB gave no indication that Yuvon or I could tell that this was the case. Of course, I would have done my best to be there physically in the aftermath of the kidnapping, but not in the moment.

I also agree that the Tumblr profile seems to be out of character for both myself and for "Goldie", though I hesitate to judge TSB's actions by what I myself would do. I seem to vary in surprising ways across universes and even from timeline to timeline, based solely on your current Jake's reactions thus far. I do actually own a Tumblr profile for the exclusive purpose of following social medias I wish to track, but I used a random username generator website for the username and not my own name, and I certainly never posted anything.

The news about the MWAF being able to hack is new to me; I must have missed that the first time I read through the screenshots. That is quite troubling. I suppose I will need to be more careful in future.

I am sincerely sorry your request for a vacation was rejected. I do not know how much you intend to separate your personal life and the Duskwood case, but if your stasis is truly wavering, you may be able to reveal some measure of the danger you are in to convince him to let you flee the area for a small while. Especially since you mentioned in your Tumblr post that you saw a raven note in your wor

Oh.

You need to leave that place. Now. Do not inform your employer of the danger you are in, reveal nothing to him or to anyone, take unpaid time off if you need to. Get your cousin and anyone else you care overly much about out of there too. Invalidate any information you can your employer or coworkers knows about you. Do not tell the truth to anyone, even your cousin. Make up any excuses you need to, ask your Jake for help with ideas if you need to. You may also wish to check that the coworkers your boss listed who are going on vacation are ACTUALLY going on vacation.

This is a priority, Liska. You need to tell your Jake all of this too, especially the part with the note in your workplace. You need to get out of there.

Good luck.

—Jake & Yuvon

(The letter tucks itself into the paper clip with the others.)

[m6p2s5gziax8]

Deconstructing Season 3 Jim Hopper

Note1 - I wrote this before the 2020.02.14 "Stranger Things 4 | From Russia with love" teaser. I'm glad they didn't try to drag out the "is Hopper really dead" question - he's 100% back! Note2 - Ok, now that so many of us are inside and ST4 is delayed, I'm going to finally post this and hope some folks find it interesting. Note3 - 6+ months later, I'm finally posting this for real, enjoy! :)

Please Read * !!! MASSIVE S3 SPOILERS !!! * I am a huge fan of Stranger Things and Jim Hopper. * This is a critical analysis of season 3 Jim Hopper, aka s3-Hop. * I would never want to sour anyone's enjoyment of the show or s3-Hop. * Please skip this essay if you enjoy s3-Hop! * If you viewed season 3 and thought "Hopper sure was different" or "Hopper wasn't enjoyable like in s1 and s2" then please read on!

uber-TL;DR * s3-Hopper was unbelievably and (for me) unenjoyably different from s1/s2 * for s4, my hope is this extreme character shift is acknowledged by Hopper to Mike, Eleven, and Joyce

longer-TL;DR There were many changes in Stranger Things with season 3: the mall, the bright color pallet, the love-quadrangle pitting El/Max vs Mike/Lucas, Dustin splitting off from the boys to join the Scoops Troop, and the campy, Scooby-Doo-esque Russian base plot. I can accept these changes and enjoy many of their elements.

But s3 brought one massive change that was not a new character, location, nemesis, or team combo: I felt Jim Hopper's character change was simply unbelievable and unenjoyable.

Sadly, I may be in a tiny minority that does not speak up or that critical comments about a beloved show get "black holed" by show boosters on social media. Many ST fans were sad and angry that Hopper appears to have died and the letter reading at the end of s3 was very dramatic and moving. So analysis, and especially criticism, of s3-Hop is frequently down-voted or not liked and thus not socialized.

This is an attempt to collect the thoughts of one very unhappy s1/s2-Hopper fan about s3-Hop. I hope readers will enjoy the long detailed analysis (sorry it is so long!) and I look forward to any comments and feedback.

FWIW, I'm a big Stranger Things fan and David Harbour is a great actor (even in s3) and a Good person IRL. I loved s1/s2 Jim Hopper and how he was written in the official book Darkness on the Edge of Town.

Here are some collected and reformatted writings I've done on Hopper and his s3 change. My fave ST character is Eleven so s3-Hop becoming so different and unenjoyable is particularly jarring for me.

s3-Hop was so different from s1/s2-Hop as to make it seem like he is a new character. Not only that, but I did not enjoy this new character who acts: * anxious * whiny * selfish * sarcastic * self-entitled * super-violent

Recall Hopper's pre-s3 history from s1, s2, and the official book Darkness on the Edge of Town: * volunteered for the military at 18 (not drafted) * 3 years combat in Vietnam, awarded Bronze Star * 2 years as a Hawkins policemen, marries, has a daughter * 6 years in New York City as a homicide detective * after his daughter dies, hits the bottle/pills, gets divorced * back in Hawkins as Chief of Police and dating women * goes into the Upside Down and literally brings Will back to life with Joyce * takes Eleven in, she runs away, they each apologize * Hop protects Eleven while she unloads at maximum to fend off the Mind Flayer and close the Gate * El goes to the Snow Ball dance and Mike comes over for 6 months to be with her (and smooch!)

Now look at s3-Hop - a very brief s3 timeline: * he's anxious, has no gravitas or authority - he gets advice from Joyce on El/Mike * the evening of s3e1, s3-Hop writes about "emotions" and how he's upset about change * Then s3-Hop continues writing wise words about life that are all read in s3e8 * AFTER writing why he's upset and these wise words, s3-Hop proceeds to act like a mega-jerk * he is gleeful when Eleven is upset that Mike is not coming over * s3-Hop bizarrely thinks whining to Joyce will make her like him * WORST OF ALL, s3-Hop does not say "daughter", "kid", "Eleven", or "El" from s3e2-s3e7

Hopper went from a mega-over-protective dad in s2 who was able to legally adopt Eleven right before the Snow Ball to a jarringly different character in s3. I can see s3-Hop making bad judgments and behaving badly but just not in this anxious/silly/immature way. Why not have him be brooding and angry? That would be consistent with s1/s2. I fear the writers wanted a whacky/silly/goofy characterization for s3-Hop so that's what we got instead.

I can not stress this point enough: Hopper went from being El's loving, protective parent to forgetting about her once he broke her and Mike apart.

At the start of s3e2, Hopper watching El being upset and storming into her room because she missed Mike, his smiling while eating cereal, and then gleefully singing while going to work is when I was broke and I thought: This is not my Hopper.

s3 Hopper and Eleven then Hopper forgets Eleven - an episodic timeline:

e1 - Hopper is anxious and unnerved by Mike visiting Eleven daily since it reduces s3-Hop's time with El e1 - Hopper lies to Mike about his Grandma being sick and then frightens him into not coming over

e2 - When Eleven is upset the next day about Mike not appearing, Hopper is joyful e2 - Note, the song played while s3-Hop is gleeful at Eleven's separation from Mike is the same one that was used when s2-Hop took El into his cabin and started cleaning it up. What a terrible ruination of a wonderful, charming moment from s2. When I hear "You Don't Mess Around with Jim" now I just think of how unhappy El was and how uncaring s3-Hop was of her feelings after he chased Mike away.

e3 - Hopper drives home drunk and enters the cabin yelling angrily only to burst in on El and Max with no Mike; s3-Hop is very happy e3 - Note, s3-Hop wrote in his letter the night before that he missed spending time with El so his accepting Max with El at the cabin is inconsistent with what he wrote.

e4 - Hop adventures with Joyce (no mention of Eleven)

e5 - Hop, Joyce, and now Alexei road trip on the way to Illinois e5 - Hop does not mention El but at the gas station Joyce is worried and calls Karen: JOY - Oh, hey, Karen, it's Joyce. Yeah, I... I'm just checking on Will. At the movies?

e6 - Alexei describes how the Russians are re-opening the Gate and Joyce quickly gets up: HOP - Where are you going? JOY - To call our children. e6 - Note, Joyce said "our children" so she is also worried for El while an indifferent Hop drinks vodka with Murray e6 - Hop calls the feds and afterwards sits down and lights a cigarette, then: JOY - So, now what? HOP - Now, we, uh... we wait. JOY - How long do we wait? HOP - As long as it takes. JOY - How can you just sit there being calm? HOP - I am not calm! JOY - Our kids are in danger! HOP - You said they were at the festival! JOY - Which is, like, ten minutes from the gate! HOP - What are you doing? Joyce? HOP - What are you doing? JOY - [she calls the feds again pressing them to hurry] e6 - Note, s3-Hop talks here (and in most of s3) with various combinations of sarcasm, exasperation, indifference, and irritation. Just hearing his tone is so unpleasant and jarringly different from s1/s2-Hop.

e7 - in the car ride home, Hopper sarcastically ridicules Joyce about her being concerned about the kids: HOP - Oh! Wait, that's right! We're on our way to rescue our children from the big, bad Fourth of July celebration! JOY - You know what, if you can't handle this, then just turn around and drop me off first. HOP - What are you gonna do? You gonna walk back to Hawkins? JOY - I will do anything if it gets me away from you!

e8 - FINALLY Hopper arrives at the Mall and holds Eleven while she drinks a soda and rests her wounded leg e8 - Inexplicably, Joyce agrees to go on a date with Hop before the climax when he disappears

Why did the Stranger Things writers change Jim Hopper so much and so negatively in s3?

I think the writers want us to enjoy (or experience in my case) a new, goofy, ha-ha, funny version of Hopper who: * can't parent a teenage girl dating a boy, * is chasing Joyce for a date and then a relationship while she is still grieving the loss of Bob, and * despite acting like a jerk "sacrifices" himself in the end.

Then, to cap the season off, we get gut punched emotionally by Eleven reading s3-Hop's letter.

The writers likely thought the viewers would fall into two groups: * s3-Hop likers who enjoy this new s3-Hop would be upset at his "death" and moved to tears by the letter * s3-Hop dislikers who were annoyed by s3-Hop would flip to likers because of his "sacrifice" and feel guilty so they are also moved to tears by the letter

But remember: the timing of s3-Hop writing the letter about emotions with sagely advice. He wrote it the end of s3e1, after getting advice from Joyce at the store and just before lying to and threatening Mike to break him up with El. I don't think the writers thought viewers would catch this since the letter is so dramatically read (awesome performances by David and Millie) way at the end of the season in s3e8 after s3-Hop disappeared.

Why did s3-Hop act so different from s1/s2 and so badly if he can write so openly and wisely in s3e1 about emotions in the letter?

Why does this dramatic character transition occur? * s1/s2-Hop - bad temper, apathetic, lackadaisical with a good heart and over-protective of Eleven * s3-Hop - anxious, whiny, sarcastic, immature, self-entitled, selfish and mocking of Joyce for worrying about the kids including El

The breaker with s3-Hop for me was his complete turn around regarding Eleven. For s3e1 his only interest was stopping Mike from coming over and taking up El's time which he wanted for himself. Once the breakup was achieved he was very happy despite El's obvious upset.

Note, after breaking up El/Mike we never see s3-Hop make Eggo extravaganzas or watch a western with Eleven like he said he yearned for in the letter. Nor does he mention it to Joyce after breaking El and Mike apart. He read El's note on the fridge and proceeded to adventure with Joyce, all the while whiny to her about wanting a relationship.

Joyce on three occasions showed concerned and called someone about "Will", "our children", and "Our kids" and finally she said to Hop "I will do anything if it gets me away from you" because of his mocking her concern. (That was my favorite line in s3! - Joyce is so awesome)

After breaking up Mike and Eleven, from e4 to e7 Hopper did not show concern or caring about his adopted daughter. It was not until s3e8 in the Mall when Hop is seen holding El while she sips a soda and later he talks to her and is loving and supportive.

Is this Jim Hopper from s2 who was an over-protective, super-loving father to Eleven? Does Mike coming over and using most of El's time turn this decorated Vietnam combat veteran, who was a 6 year NYC homicide detective and current Chief of Police into an anxious, shrill father who can't think straight?

Why not have Hopper react to wanting more time with Eleven and wanting to date Joyce like the normal s1/s2-Hop we know and love?

I blame the writers from wanting s3-Hop to have an arc from nervous/unhinged to "sacrificing himself" and then the letter being read.

I think the s3-Hop character change was done so we'd be gut punched when he "died" and then the letter was read. And there's the additional goal of getting Hopper to fit in with the "summer of love" theme of s3 with him breaking up a love pairing with El/Mike and pursuing his own love with Joyce.

But the timing of when Hop wrote the letter just doesn't make any sense because of how he acted later. Additionally, if s3-Hop can not follow the life advice he wrote down, why does he act badly in such a different way then when he acted badly in s1/s2?

Because of this extreme character change I sadly can not watch s3-Hop anymore without being upset. It's just so unbelievable and unenjoyable.

Did Sarah's death or Mike's dating Eleven or PTSD from Vietnan explain or justify Hopper's s3 change?

These items have been mentioned as possible explanations for s3-Hop being so different from s1/s2. I initially tried to use Mike dating El as an excuse for Hopper's changes but after three s3 viewings I gave up because of everything else I've written in this essay. Here are some reasons while these explanations do not work for me.

1) Sarah's death was wrapped up when Hopper and Joyce saved Will in the upside down. Hopper literally brought Will back to life, something he could not do with Sarah. This was in incredibly moving scene and the end of a powerful arc for Hopper. But the point is it was the end of the arc: Sarah's death still impacts Hopper in s2 dealing with Eleven but Sarah dying isn't a driving force for s3-Hop and how he acts. That arc wrapped up and though it guides s2-Hop, he still acts in a consistent manor. In season 3 there's no mention of Sarah making s3-Hop stressed out so that arc is not in play.

2) Mike dating Eleven and their disrespecting Hopper are certainly stresses for s3-Hop but his reaction to breaking them up is out of character. El and Mike giggle and whisper with each other. Then s3-Hop - an adult, parent, and police chief - cruelly lies to Mike that his grandma is sick and then holds him in the car and threatens him after Mike angrily used profanity. Many commenters call Mike a "little sh|t" and side with tough guy s3-Hop and his approach. It would be consistent and believable for s3-Hop to act like this at night and then the next morning to have shown some remorse or some kind of caring to Eleven. s3-Hop could have said "too bad Mike isn't coming, let's have Eggos tonight and watch a Western." But he did not say anything to El. Instead, he smiled and then happily sang in the car on the way to work.

3) PTSD does not explain s3-Hop's behavior since we never see any evidence in the show that he is having flashbacks or any issues related to Vietnam. Also, writers just can't use PTSD as a do-anything-whenever-you-want-with-a-character excuse. Not only is there no Vietnam PTSD evidence in the episodes, there are many quotes from the official book with Hopper that he does not have PTSD.

3a) In s1, s2, and s3 the words "Vietnam" and "veteran" are never spoken. The only indication of Vietnam is a box under under Hop's cabin floor that Eleven sees when she discovers the trap door. Hopper never speaks of dreams or flashbacks and there is no other indication he has PTSD from Vietnam. His divorce, drinking, and pill abuse are all from Sarah dying based on what we see in the episodes.

3b) From the official book Stranger Things: Darkness on the Edge of Town (published May 28 2019):

1984 DECEMBER 26 - 11 days after the Snow Ball Dance with Jim and El in the cabin: The truth was, Hopper realized, that he didn’t want to talk about Vietnam, not because it was a trauma or a personal demon, but because it was ancient history—but more than that, it felt like part of some other person’s life. Although he hadn’t really stopped to consider it properly, he was aware of how he had compartmentalized his past in his own mind. So, yes, Vietnam had been difficult, and he had come back changed—as most people did, of course—but it just wasn’t relevant, not anymore. That wasn’t him, not now. Because he had come to accept that there were really only two parts to his life. Before Sara. After Sara. And nothing else really mattered. Vietnam included. He just wasn’t quite sure how he was going to explain that to El. “Because,” said Hopper with a smile, “Vietnam was a long time ago. I mean, a really long time ago. And I’m not that person now.” He leaned forward on the table, resting on his elbows. “Look, I’m sorry, really. I can understand that you are curious. And I understand you want to know more about me. I’m your—” He paused. El raised an eyebrow, cocked her chin again, waiting for the response. Hopper sighed, happily. “I’m your dad, now. And yes, there is a lot you don’t know about me. Vietnam included. One day I’ll tell you about it, when you’re older.”

1977 JULY 13 - Homicide Detective Hopper in New York City: This was a support group for veterans of the Vietnam War. Hopper knew such groups existed. He knew full well that such groups were needed. That he’d come out of the war unscathed and with his marbles all where they should be was a blessing. Okay, it had changed him, and he wasn’t going to pretend that it hadn’t been difficult at times. But what the war had done to some people... He’d never felt the need to attend a meeting like this himself, but he was glad they were there for those who did feel that need.

How can Jim Hopper's portrayal recover in season 4?

First off, there is no doubt that David Harbour is returning to play Jim Hopper in season 4 (and s5 if there is one). This is David's big, career making role that is getting him award nominations/wins (the most for any adult ST actor), and he just got a huge raise (80k to 350k per episode). And, most importantly, he loves doing the show and the people in it (especially Millie).

Since what's done is done with s3-Hop, what can happen with Hopper in s4 to bring him back into a believable and enjoyable form for huge ST fans who miss s1/s2 Jim Hopper?

I am very much hoping that Hopper will dial back or eliminate his new s3 qualities, like being whiny, selfish, complaining constantly, etc. Please bring back some of his old s1/s2 strength and empathy under a grumpy exterior.

And I hope Hopper does a reset with three people:

1) Mike - Hopper needs to do more to make up to Mike than just saying "Mike, Be careful" like he did in s3e8 at the Mall. Hop should clearly say that he accepts Mike as El's boyfriend and that he knows he'll do everything possible to keep her safe. Which is actually what Mike did for all of s3 while s3-Hop was adventuring with Joyce.

2) Eleven - While the Letter explains why Hop was feeling upset (change, less time with El, etc), it does not justify how s3-Hop acted afterward when he lied and threatened Mike breaking them up. Hop needs to clearly apologize to Eleven for being selfish, immature, and inconsiderate.

3) Joyce - I hope that Hopper admits to Joyce that he acted like a jerk towards her and that he promises to be a better person in general and especially better with her. That's the only way I can make any sense out of Joyce and Hopper being any kind of couple: Hop has to own up to his terrible behavior towards Joyce and promise to be better.

The End! Sort of... :)

Well, you've read or skimmed or skipped all the way to the almost end and I thank you for taking time to look at my thoughts about Jim Hopper's portrayal in season 3. I still love Hop and think David does an incredible acting job with him in each season. I've been 100% sure he's coming back since the Duffers have bluntly said: no body = no death. So while I'm a little scared at how Hopper will be characterized in season 4, I'm also very excited to see it! Word is that season 4 will have more episodes (10, 11, 12?) than normal. Plus, the Duffers just signed a big deal with Netflix so I'm wondering if season 4 will be a semi-finale for the series and give the Duffers and the stars a break to do other stuff and then come back for a movie or a season after more ideas have percolated in the Duffers' creative minds.

So, here's looking forward to season 4 when we can see Jim Hopper evolve along with all the other great Stranger Things characters.

[noona-clock]

Untitled - Part 4

Genre: AU/Fluff

Pairing: Junmyeon x You (Female!Reader)

Warnings: None

Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10  |  Word Count: 3,327

It had been a long time since you’d been kissed.

So long, in fact, you’d almost forgotten what it felt like.

But as Junmyeon’s lips ever so gently pressed against yours, cradling them as softly as a whisper, you realized... you hadn’t forgotten what a kiss felt like. Because you’d never felt a kiss like this before.

You’d really never felt anything like any of this before.

Yes, you’d had crushes on people. You’d dated and had been in relationships before. Your heart had fluttered, and you had smiled like a giddy schoolgirl before.

But something about this... something about Junmyeon was just... different.

Just as you felt you were about to really get into the kiss and actually, truly kiss him back... he pulled away.

Which was probably for the better. It was your first kiss, after all. There was no need to take it too far.

Junmyeon let out a soft exhale, his breath grazing your lips as his own lips pulled into one of the most adorable but also one of the sexiest grins you’d ever seen.

“I -- I hope that was okay,” he whispered.

You tipped your chin in the barest hint of a nod, actually finding you had to hold yourself back from leaning in and kissing him again. “Okay,” you whispered back, at somewhat of a loss for words. “More than okay.”

To your dismay, Junmyeon took a step away from you. He almost immediately took one of your hands, though, so your poor heart didn’t even have time to rest.

“Would it be all right if I took you out as many times as I can before I go on my next trip?” he asked as he gingerly ran his thumb across your knuckles.

“You’re leaving in two weeks, right?”

Junmyeon nodded, though you only saw it out of the corner of your eye. Your gaze was fixated on his thumb for some strange reason.

Two weeks. Fourteen days.

The thought of going on as many dates as you could over any time frame was a bit daunting to you, but...

If the person taking you out was Junmyeon...

“I think that would be all right,” you answered, shifting your gaze up to meet his and grinning softly.

“Don’t worry,” he smirked. “I’ll still give you plenty of time to write both your book and a letter or two.”

You simply nodded again, chuckling softly and squeezing his fingers with yours as he held your hand.

“All right, I’ll let you go,” he murmured, hesitantly letting your hand drop and stepping even farther away from you.

Your first instinct was to protest, but you remembered he had just gotten back from a trip yesterday. He was most likely incredibly exhausted (even though he didn’t look it - he looked as handsome as ever!).

“Get some sleep, okay?” you requested, raising your eyebrows at him in a warning. If he went home only to message you, you would be none too happy about it.

...Okay, you would be a little happy about it. But you still would rather he rest and get over the jet lag.

“I will,” he assured you, shooting you a full-on, toothy smile.

God, how was he so cute?!

How?! How was it possible for one human being to possess the cuteness of, like, a bajillion bunny rabbits?!

Almost as if Junmyeon could hear your thoughts, his grin turned just a bit shy, and a soft tinge of pink colored his cheeks. He let his head fall briefly as if he were embarrassed about something... and then he stepped up to you again.

He kissed you again.

You couldn’t help but giggle against his lips because what else could you do? The way he smiled was adorable. The way he blushed was adorable. The way he was kissing you right now was adorable.

But he wasn’t even adorable in an ‘aww, isn’t that cute?’ kind of way. He was on a whole other level of adorable because he was, obviously, adorable... but he was also handsome and sexy. And very, very attractive.

Junmyeon was just a big, old conundrum. That’s what he was.

And you had always liked solving puzzles.

“Sorry,” he whispered with a very guilty expression on his face. “I couldn’t help myself.”

“First of all, you don’t need to apologize for anything,” you chuckled. “Second of all, you especially don’t need to apologize for kissing me again.”

A smirk immediately appeared on Junmyeon’s lips, though his cheeks were still just a bit pink. “I will keep that in mind.”

He stepped away again, and this time, you opened your bag to get your keys out. If you didn’t go inside, the two of you would probably be standing out here until dinner time.

You certainly wouldn’t mind having dinner with Junmyeon, but you also didn’t want to move too quickly.

Of course, going on as many dates as possible in the span of two weeks was probably moving too quickly, but that was different! Junmyeon traveled for a living!

“So, I’ll call you later?” he asked, interrupting your somewhat frenzied thoughts.

“Sure,” you nodded. “I work at home, so I’m free just about every day.”

“Okay, good,” Junmyeon said with a lopsided grin. “I’ll see you soon, then.”

You nodded again before turning toward your front door, unlocking it, and stepping inside.

As soon as you closed the door behind you, you transformed into a character in a romantic movie. You leaned against the solid oak surface of your door. You let out a very wistful sigh. The corners of your lips pulled into a cheesy grin. And you even squealed softly to yourself.

You couldn’t help it, okay?! Junmyeon made you feel like you were a character in a romantic movie. He made your heart flutter and your stomach fill with butterflies. He made you nervous and excited at the same time. His kisses made you want to keep on kissing him.

As you pushed yourself away from your door and sauntered down the hallway into the kitchen, you realized that you would probably never be able to thank Trish enough for setting you up with him. Technically, Jongdae was the lynchpin, but... Trish was your best friend, so you would give her most of the credit.

So, as it turns out, the most dates you and Junmyeon could possibly go on in two weeks was ten.

The two of you went to a lot of restaurants, a few movies, another museum (a history one this time), a round of mini-golf, a round of bowling, an outdoor craft fair, and you even sang karaoke one night.

You shared a lot of laughs, a lot of food, a lot of hugs, and a lot of kisses.

So... pretty much one of the happiest two weeks of your life so far.

And after each date, you sat down at your writing desk, got out the pen Junmyeon brought you home from Guam, and you wrote him a letter.

So, when Junmyeon came over to your house for one last date before he left the next morning, the two of you had ten more dates under your belt, and you had a stack of ten letters to give him.

“Whoa,” Junmyeon chuckled as you handed him the envelopes. He had just arrived, but you wanted to give them to him in case you forgot by the end of the night (or in case you were too busy kissing him...) “You wrote this many?!”

You nodded as you felt your cheeks begin to warm. Hopefully, he didn’t think you’d gone overboard...

“I wrote one after every date we went on the past two weeks,” you murmured a bit bashfully.

Junmyeon’s eyebrows lifted, and his gaze flew from the stack of letters to your flushed face. You honestly weren’t sure what he was about to say, so you almost let out a sigh of relief when he said, “That’s really romantic.”

Of course, you only blushed more after he said that, and you felt like bringing your hands up to hide your face.

Junmyeon quickly set the letters down on the small table in your entryway, the one which held the bowl where you put your keys, and he moved to put his arms around your waist. He pulled you close to him and pressed a sweet kiss on the tip of your nose. “You are one of the cutest human beings alive, did you know that?” he murmured.

You curled your arms up against his chest, finding it awfully difficult to look him in the eye since you were still blushing so much. “That is not something I know,” you replied.

“Well, now you do,” Junmyeon grinned brightly. “I was going to wait to ask you this, but now seems like a good time...”

Your eyebrows raised, and your curiosity overpowered your embarrassment as you shifted your gaze to make eye contact with him. “Ask me what?”

The only way to describe the way Junmyeon was looking at you right now was to say that he was gazing at you with all the adoration in the world. His eyes and his smile were soft and warm. He held you tightly, his thumb gently caressing the small of your back over your shirt.

“I know you like titles,” he began, just a hint of a smirk tugging at his lips.

You almost rolled your eyes because he was quite obviously making fun of you for getting annoyed with all of the untitled artworks on your first date, but you knew he was doing so good-naturedly.

“Yes, I do like to title things,” you retorted playfully.

“So...” Junmyeon inhaled a bit shakily, and you had a flashback of him acting this very way right before he kissed you for the first time. So, obviously, something important was about to happen... 

Your heart stopped as you waited for him to continue, to ask whatever question he was going to ask you.

“...How would you like the title of ‘Girlfriend’?”

A smile immediately pulled at your lips, and without saying anything, you stood on your toes so you could kiss him.

Junmyeon let out a breathy laugh into the kiss, squeezing your waist even tighter. “Is that a ‘yes’?” he mumbled.

You nodded, not pulling away from him even the slightest bit as you slid your arms out from between the two of you and moved to cradle his face in your palms.

If you were being honest, you already thought of yourself as his girlfriend... but, like he said, you preferred it when things were not left untitled. And you would be lying if you said you wouldn’t sleep just a little bit easier at night knowing you and Junmyeon were now in an official relationship.

“All right,” Junmyeon chuckled, interrupting your thoughts and your kiss. “Let’s go make some dinner, and then we can cuddle on the couch later. How does that sound?”

“Sounds perfect,” you replied as you beamed up at him.

You were fairly sure you weren’t going to stop smiling the whole evening.

Before Junmyeon left that night, you made sure to offer to take him to the airport and see him off like a true girlfriend should.

(Side note: Your heart still skipped about five beats whenever you thought about the fact you were officially his girlfriend now.)

He, of course, wanted to accept... but he had been invited by the resort to go and stay there, so he was getting the full VIP treatment. A car was coming to pick him up in the morning and everything.

...Honestly, you sometimes forgot your boyfriend (*squeal!*) was kind of a big deal in the travel social media world.

Speaking of, he had brought that up earlier on. As the two of you had been snuggling contentedly on your couch watching a baking show on television, he had asked you if you wanted him to include you in his Instagram every now and then.

“Me?” you’d asked, your head jerking back slightly in surprise before you turned to look at him.

“Yeah, you,” he’d chuckled. He’d reached out and poked your side playfully, and you had quickly swatted his hand away. “You’re my girlfriend now. Is it weird that I want people to see how beautiful you are?”

“No, it’s not weird,” you’d assured him. “But... most people only have friends and family who follow them.”

“I know... but... I mean, I’ll understand if you don’t want me to,” he’d replied, though you could tell he had been a little disappointed just thinking about you saying ‘no.’ 

You hadn’t wanted to be difficult, of course. But... he had a lot of followers. And a good number of them probably had a crush on him. You knew what it was like to watch someone on YouTube or follow someone on Instagram and have feelings for them! They weren’t real feelings because you didn’t really know them, but still.

Some fans were just... intense. And weird.

You weren’t saying you definitely would, but it was possible that you could get threatening messages from someone just because you were dating Junmyeon.

Apparently, your thoughts were written all over your face because Junmyeon had added, “I won’t tag you. And I won’t follow you so they can’t find your profile. I don’t even have to include your face!”

Oh, my goodness. He was so cute. How could you resist when he very obviously wanted to post a picture of you so badly?

“Okay, fine,” you’d relented with a chuckle.

So, Junmyeon had gotten his phone out immediately, soothing your worries by telling you to turn and face the television. He’d somehow taken a picture of you from the back, getting his arm around you and the television screen in the frame. He had added pre-trip relaxing with a heart emoji before posting it to his story.

If anyone had replied to that post, he hadn’t told you. You were curious, yes, but you would prefer not to know what his followers thought. You rarely ever said this, but in this case, ignorance is bliss.

It was pretty difficult to say good-bye to him, but you had been slightly reassured by the fact his trip was only four days long. He had promised he would be home to take you out to dinner on Friday night, and then he lingered for about ten extra minutes just holding and kissing you.

If it was this hard saying good-bye after only seeing each other for three weeks... what would it be like in three months? Or three years?

It’s not surprising that you and Junmyeon communicated quite differently while he was away on this trip than you did while he was away on his last trip to Guam. Back then, the two of you had only been on two dates, and you were still in the early stages of having a crush on him.

But now?

Now you had been on, like, fourteen dates. You had kissed countless times already. He was officially your boyfriend.

And while all of that meant your conversations were more frequent and contained a lot more heart emojis, it also meant...

You missed him like crazy.

You honestly wondered if Junmyeon had been able to see into the future because asking you to write letters for him now made so much more sense. You wished you had letters from him to read, too! You, at least, got to watch his Instagram stories, so that was something.

Back to the letter thing, though -- you were actually kind of nervous for him to read them. He was only gone for five days, including today, and you had given him ten letters. So, most likely, he would read two a day.

Would he already have read one on the plane? What would he say about it? Would he think they were super cheesy?

Around lunchtime, you got your answer to all of those questions.

You had just finished making a sandwich when your phone vibrated on your kitchen counter. When you picked it up to see who was calling (even though you knew who was calling), your brow furrowed slightly when you saw... Junmyeon wasn’t just calling you. He was requesting to video chat.

You accepted it, bringing your phone out in front of you and taking a deep breath to try and still your fluttering heart.

“Hey,” you greeted when you saw his (handsome, gorgeous, beautiful) face. “How was your --”

“I read one of your letters on the plane,” he interrupted. He sounded both excited and nostalgic at the same time. “I knew you were a writer, but... I didn’t know you could write like that.”

Obviously, your cheeks warmed immediately. “Which one...?”

“The one where you describe how you feel in my arms,” he answered.

Ah, yes. That one. You had written that after a particularly long, tight good-bye hug, and the warmth and security of his embrace had still been lingering when you’d arrived home.

You were far too embarrassed to say anything serious at the moment, so you let out a soft chuckle and said, “Wait until you read the one where I talk about your kiss.”

Junmyeon laughed, his eyes crinkling like they always did -- and now you were inspired to write a letter to him about that, too.

“Man,” he said with a smiling sigh. “I know it’s only been three weeks, but... I don’t know, tell me if I’m crazy, but it feels like I’ve known you forever.”

Immediately, you shook your head. “No, you’re not crazy. I know exactly what you mean.”

“It’s almost scary how much I miss you right now,” he added. “I kind of feel like I need to slow down because it’s moving too fast.”

Honestly, it was more than relieving to hear him voice what you’d been thinking and feeling lately.

You had never been this way before. Granted, you hadn’t dated many people in your lifetime, but still. The relationships you had been in weren’t like this. Not even close.

“We’re completely on the same page,” you chuckled. “I don’t want things between us to burn out because we’ve been spending so much time together, but... I also don’t want to not spend time with you.”

“Exactly!”

So, even though you missed him right now, it was probably good that he traveled a lot. It would force you guys to spend some time apart and not get too caught up in things.

“How was your flight, though?” you asked, taking your sandwich over to your kitchen table and sitting down to eat.

“Not too bad,” Junmyeon answered. He told you all about his hotel, his plans for the trip, and he assured you he would bring you back another pen. 

Near the end of your call, Junmyeon informed you he was going to take a screenshot to post on his story. You immediately brought up a hand to cover your face, but Junmyeon teased you just enough to make you smile.

When you got off the phone with him a few minutes later... you couldn’t stop yourself from opening Instagram and refreshing until you saw his story pop back up.

You clicked on his profile picture, your cheeks warming and your heart skipping a beat when you saw a screenshot of your video chat. He had added a heart eyes emoji over some of your face, but your smile was still visible. And he had typed out already missing you with a crying face emoji.

If you forgot about the fact that he had almost 25 thousand followers, you couldn’t help but think his posts about you so far had been so cheesy and romantic and lovely and embarrassing and adorable.

...To be honest, all of those words described him perfectly.

And they were exactly the reasons why you liked him so much.

Part 5

[queerlyglittering]

LETTER BOY UPDATE

ok! This is long overdue lmao. but until the other day I was feeling a bit mopey and sad and also just generally tired and didn’t wanna talk about it BUT THEN  E X T R E M E L Y  LONG POST AHEAD

so lemme see where I last left off re: Letter Boy.... ok so like, to recap: there for a while we’d barely been talking. He didn’t have time to write to me most of the time, and then half the time when we did write to each other our letters kept getting lost in the mail, etc etc. I know I’d been like pretty obsessive over the whole letter-writing thing for a while so I thought I’d been pushing him away and like at one point I wrote him a goodbye letter? Like I was really out here like “I’m so sorry for bothering you so much, I’ll leave you alone now” like what sort of passive-aggressive bitchy monster lmao. And then eventually I was like nah fuck that, that’s not ok and I’m not leaving things like that, so I wrote him an apology and we kinda got back to talking a bit. And then he finally wrote me back! And his letter was deeply personal and emotional and I cried! He came out as ace! He told me he loved me! The absolute drama of it all! (Which it turns out, at that point he didn’t mean it in terms of like, romantic love, just like... he really cared about me as a person and was glad that he felt comfortable to write about his experiences re: being ace to me and it was sort of cathartic. BUT THEN!) So I wrote back almost immediately, telling him that I loved him too and that he was valid and shit lmao. That was all back in late May/early June I think... tbh I don’t remember what happened over the summer, lemme go back and reread our messages? b/c I know neither of us has physically written to the other since then.  Ok so we messaged a bit about potentially meeting up at a Pride festival, either there in Houston or up in Dallas, but the timing just generally didn’t work out in our favor for either event, so we wound up not going. And then we kinda sporadically messaged each other here and there, usually when he was stressed with school or I was stressed with work, etc, but we barely talked off and on for a couple months. Then I started my current job, and my sleep cycle got outta whack for a few weeks, and that’s when things started to get interesting again lmao

ok so sometime near the end of August, he had like a minor depressive episode or something in the middle of the night and messaged me at like 4 am saying he felt “gross and sad” and I slept through that because it was Saturday but I wound up waking up at like 6:30 out of habit from getting up for work, and I ended up calling him and we talked for a while and I vented about some stuff in my life too and then we both went back to sleep lmao. And after that things got a little more active in terms of communication; like y’all know me, I’m a Needy Bitch, so of course I wound up messaging him like once every couple days or so whenever I started to miss him and needed Attention. Like it kinda started with a tarot reading I got, just a standard past/present/future 3-card reading, but she pulled the Lovers for my present, so I mean.... and basically she said something about there being a person in my life whom I had feelings for, and who reciprocated those feelings, but there was a communications disconnect, and the relationship was getting to a point where it could begin to go stale, and that we shouldn’t block ourselves off from progress. After that reading I reached out and messaged him again, and we ended up literally speaking every day for a week. Like I think I’d made a post about that on here about not messaging him for the 8th day in a row and thought I was exaggerating but then I went back and counted and IT ACTUALLY WAS THE 8TH DAY, WOW AUDREY, YOU’RE OFFICIALLY ANNOYING. So I tried to get better about leaving him alone lmao but I started messaging him a bunch of stuff about my singing, because my old community had a brief resurgence in September. and he said he wanted to sing something with me someday and I’m 🥰🥰

So then at one point I had mentioned coming down to Houston for the weekend of the SFA/Sam Houston State game (which was last weekend, 10/5-6) with my friend, and ditching the game to hang out with him instead. I kinda let the subject drop for a couple weeks because at that point it was almost a month out and I wasn’t 100% sure I was gonna be able to go so I didn’t want to get both our hopes up. But then work started being really shitty and dicking me around about my schedule change that was supposed to have happened once I got out of training, and my home life wasn’t gr8 either, so I kinda latched onto that weekend trip as like a bright spot, or something to hope for. Something to keep me going. And he’d basically forgotten about it, which is fine, except I wound up springing it back on him at the last minute lmao. But then my friend who I was supposed to go with (because I can’t drive so she was gonna drive us down there) was like ‘nah I’m not going to the game, I have no money for tickets.’ So I was like well shit, there goes my happy thing. And I talked to her about it and basically begged her to just go down to Houston for the weekend anyway, I’d get us a hotel and everything, because I needed this. So she was like ‘alright, look at hotels.’ But then HER friend got very sick, like in-the-hospital having-mysterious-seizures sick, and she went to go stay with her in the hospital for a few days because the girl’s husband was being a dick about it (it turned out to just be an infection from a contact lens that got stuck in her eye and like melted??? idk. but it was BAD AND SCARY). But that was like Wednesday-Friday of the week we were supposed to go to Houston on that weekend and I wasn’t sure she’d be up to going. So I asked last minute if she still wanted to go or if I should cancel the hotel (not realizing that it was too late to cancel it anyway lmao RIP) and she said ‘ok sure but I wanna bring my kid, since I’ve been away from her for 3 whole days.’ I was like that’s fine, I already thought you were gonna bring her lol. So we wound up going down there on Saturday but we left a bit later than we’d meant to, and by the time we got to town, Letter Boy was already at work. So I missed him that day. The three of us (me, friend & kiddo) wound up swimming in the hotel pool and then ordering Chinese takeout for dinner so that was pretty fun. 

Then the next day, Sunday! Letter Boy called as we were checking out of the hotel to try and figure out what the plan was, where we could meet up, etc. We decided to meet at the mall nearby, since it was an easy landmark for all parties, and we could find each other pretty easily there. He took me (and my friend and her kid, though apparently that wasn’t the plan, and he would’ve preferred to spend time with just me; she even gave me the option to not have the two of them meet us at the restaurant and I decided not to take it because i was a nervous anxious coward lmao) out to lunch at this Korean place in town, where he loves to eat. We played a few rounds of a card game and talked and ate and it was great fun. Then he had to bail and go to work, and we had an interesting goodbye because I’d been out here trying to respect his personal space and all because from what he’d said in his coming-out letter, it sounded very much like he was touch-averse - but then he hugged me goodbye? and kept coming back for more hugs?! like “one more? ok just one more? and one more?” like nonstop for a good five minutes lmao. I was a bit confused but I loved it (my primary love language is physical touch; hugs are my kryptonite. And he gives AMAZING hugs. like I may have even actually dreamed about his hugs before I ever got to experience one, but that’s whole other post lol). Anyway so after that my friend and I went to hang out at her brother’s in-laws’ place because they lived in the area lol. Letter Boy had asked me to message him once I got there, so I did. I told him I wished I could’ve spent more time with him one-on-one, and he said “well if you’re still in town maybe you can sneak away when I get my break later” So I basically said hell yes, just tell me where to meet you, lol. We wound up meeting up at Starbucks and getting coffee and continuing to talk and hang out for the half hour of his break, and he really didn’t want to leave when it was time for him to go. Like he actually contemplated kidnapping me and bringing me to work with him lmao. If my ride hadn’t already been on her way, I would’ve gone with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t want to leave either. And he told me he loved me again!  🥰🥰🥰 It was sappy and sweet and just aghhhh <3

So that was a week ago today! And there’s been some interesting developments since then too. Starting off with that Sunday night when I got home, I’d had too much coffee (starbucks messed up my order and had to remake it so I ended up drinking both lmao, big mistake). So I was over-caffeinated and v emotional and couldn’t sleep so I started writing out all my anxious confused feelings in letter form, and wound up just linking Letter Boy to the Google Doc I’d been writing in. This was at almost 2 AM. Apparently I woke him up and he read it and replied to me over messenger and basically we talked about how like. when he first said he loved me in the letter, he didn’t necessarily mean it in a romantic context but it was definitely more than just platonic and he wasn’t sure how to quantify that. But now that we’d met in person, and got to spend some actual time together, he felt a little differently and that he was “not 100% sure but WAAAY more than 50% sure” that he loved me romantically, because partially because he’s ace, he’s just kinda unsure about romantic relationships in general and he’s reluctant to commit to them because the sex thing always becomes an issue. I reassured him that I completely understand and respect his orientation and would never ask him to change that aspect of himself or do anything that would make him uncomfortable, and he seemed immensely relieved. At this point I’m honestly not even sure how much of his feelings are genuinely for/about me, and how much of them are just some sort of general euphoria at having someone basically validate his orientation and his existence, because he’d spent so long being mocked and tormented by friends and lovers alike, and basically just feeling broken and worthless. And I completely understand that reaction. I’m not even sure I care if that’s all this is, if it comes down to it; I’m happy to be here to love and support him and make sure he never feels less than whole and valid again, no matter my context in his life. I just want him to be happy. I’d love to be the one who makes him happy, but if ultimately that is not my part in his life, then so be it. I’m at peace with it.

Anyway so that was Sunday night, we talked a little bit on Monday and Tuesday and then like,, nothing at all for a few days? And so of course my immediate instinct is that I came on too strong and pushed him away, just because he doesn’t want to talk to me every day?? so I got all mopey and sad and weird, because I thought I’d scared him off and lost him and idk. Also I was in a funk b/c my hormones are being wacky this week; I don’t really get periods per se with my IUD, but sometimes I’ll get phantom cramps and/or mood swings, etc. but this past week i’ve been spotting and cramping AND moody af, so that’s been fun. So I’d been all weird and sad and shit, and thinking he didn’t want to talk to me = he didn’t want me, and I was so paranoid and afraid because I still think this whole thing is too good to be true and I can’t trust it. I know it’s silly and far too early to be serious and it’ll never last and probably won’t end well. I know that it’s fun and easy and idealistic and won’t stand up to reality or practicality, when it eventually has to face them. So I’ve been bracing myself for that ending ever since it began. And I know three days isn’t very long, but after having a whole conversation about how we love each other, and how we love each other, it felt like an eternity. BUT THEN!!!!!!!!!

So ok, we did talk briefly on Friday, in passing. but it was a very short little conversation; the only major thing to come out of it was a further confirmation that yes, he’s serious about coming up here to see me. BUT THEN Saturday night (10/12), he got home from seeing Eric Andre perform live, and he was hanging out with his sister and drinking and generally being a goof, and he messaged me! UPDATE: It’s now sunday 10/20 and I’m still writing this. idk it’s been a lot, everything else in my life has been rough lately, idk. im not feeling as positively about this as i was before, but i’ll keep writing the update. I’ve written too much

SO! Anyway. he came home from the comedy show thing, and he was hanging out with his sister watching some Japanese reality show and drinking, and he messaged me out of the blue. Funny thing I’ve noticed is that he doesn’t generally reach out to me first and he’s not too expressive generally but whenever he’s intoxicated in some way, be it alcohol or pot or even benadryl, he gets really effusively, gushily mushy and sweet. So on this occasion he was drunk, or at least tipsy, and that means he was being extra affectionate and dumb lmao. He started out telling me about his night and then hit me with the “I wish you were heeeerrrrreeeeeeee” lol. And he said something about how one day when he graduates, we should get a place together, where we can “be non-binary and own our dreams” (the second time he’s mentioned possibly being nonbinary to me - or possibly third time, he said something in passing about being confused about gender roles, in a context that implied ‘in relation to himself.’ meanwhile I haven’t actually said anything at all to him about me being nonbinary, he just kinda assumed b/c i have a rly butch-y looking haircut rn lmao. but like.. he ain’t wrong tho 😂 so that’s a conversation that we need to actually have sometime.) He was like “it’s sorta romantic that you live up there and I live down here and we’re so far apart and we have to just kinda pine after each other basically” and i was like oh good, I’m not the only one pining lmao. But then he asked me to come with him when he moves to Japan to teach English there, sometime after he finishes his degree. Which like, I wish I could go with him, and I know that if we’re still talking at that point/especially if we actually get together, it’s gonna be hard to be that far away from him and I’m gonna miss him. But it’s just eminently not practical. I don’t have any college degree and I don’t speak a lick of Japanese, there’s no way I can teach English with him; and there aren’t many other jobs there for Americans. And he won’t be making enough to support both of us on a teacher’s salary, i know that much. So that’s where I start to get a bit disillusioned. Like I know it was just a drunk suggestion out of a desperation to not be apart anymore, and despite the fact that a drunk mouth often speaks sober thoughts, I know better than to assume that either of those offers to live together were any kind of a promise, and I have no intention to hold him to either of them. But in the moment I very much got my hopes up and I let myself get really excited and I regret that now lmao because like I knew even then that it wasn’t real. and now i’m just sorta disappointed because I’ve had to confront the fact that he’s very much a daydreamer and I, for all my delusional fantasizing, am at heart more practical than that. I don’t like to hope for things that I know can’t happen, because it’s just setting myself up for future devastation. And he just wants to hope and wish for everything, and maybe some of it will come true and maybe some of it won’t, and he just sort of seems unbothered by either outcome. For all my hopeless romanticism and my overemotional nature, I can’t bring myself to do that, to hope without expectation. I don’t know how. it’s so antithetical to my understanding of the world. And it just serves to highlight another of the many ways in which we are almost complete opposites - which isn’t a bad thing! but it can make some things harder. like handling distance, or hoping for the future, or just communication in general.

but anyway! back to drunken happiness lmao. he started saying really sappy shit like how he wants to be there for me when I’m feeling down, and he wants to have big dumb fights with me just so he can make it up to me with a big grand gesture like flowers or edible arrangements or something. and then he wrote me a drunken limerick and it was actually surprisingly good and really cute lmao. and he said he wanted to cuddle me. and then we got into a mini-fight over which one of us was cuter lmao. and he called me queen and said that he just wants to like. make me food and take care of me and stuff lol. and that he doesn’t even HAVE a type but somehow I am exactly his type? which is still fucking me up, that’s the sweetest shit i’ve ever heard. (because i know what he means, he’s dated around quite a bit with different types and genders of people and stuff because he didn’t really know how to handle his asexuality and of course the myth is that you just haven’t found the right person yet, so he just kept trying and feeling broken and then here I am, the first person he’s found to be accepting and understanding of that part of him, and still want him and care for him and be all lovey-dovey and shit with him, and he just wants me to be happy in return.) meanwhile I of course have several types, including different types for girls and guys etc, but he’s hitting all my boxes - tall, handsome in a kind of adorkable way, smart, funny, sarcastic, sweet, patient, sensitive, similar tastes in media and similar political alignments, queer. plus he’s just cute as fuck. like out of my league cute lmao but again, that’s exactly my type OTL so like I told him that, and that I just wanna like. hold him and be with him and help him be successful in whatever he wants in life. and he freaked out and was like ugh you should just come here rn i’ll hide you under my bed if i have to and i was like i wish i could :( and he was like THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH AUDREY COME HERE and i was like OK IM LEAVING ON FOOT SEE U IN 3 DAYS and it was funny. and we flung a bunch of heart emojis at each other. and then he made a passing reference to his mood swings and i kinda ended up ignoring it because i sent a message at the same time but in my head i was like boy have you even MET me, 1. the swings have always been my favorite piece of playground equipment, 2. i’ve got mood swings down to a fine art, and 3. i’m more worried about whether you can handle mine. i’m pretty sure i can take yours in stride lmao. and then there was more talk of cuddling, and HE STARTED HEART REACTING ALL MY MESSAGES and i’m just like WTF STOP IT THAT IS THE CUTEST SHIT <3333 and then he sent me a dollar by accident? and I sent him the “i love you bitch, i ain’t never gonna stop loving you bitch” vine lmao

and apparently this whole time he was still sitting around with his sister? lmao because he said she told him she approved of me after i sent that vine 😂 and she apparently likes my hair! which is good lol (reminder I need to post some pics of it on here, I posted selfies to fb but i don’t think i’ve posted on here yet). his sister is also bi lmao and seems cool in general (and also from what i’ve seen creeping her fb, she’s REALLY GORGEOUS, like it runs in the family, these fuckers should be models, it’s ridiculous really) so having her approval is v nice. like at least one member of his family approves of me! now to work on the rest 😂😂 and then he was talking about he was gonna get high also (despite being already drunk) and i was joking with him about bogarting the weed and he was like “when we live together I’ll share my weed with you” lmao but he said it with such certainty, like it was just a given. not an if, but a when. which threw me for enough of a loop. But then he started in on this fantasy scenario where like it’s late at night and we can’t sleep so he makes me sushi by hand, and we feed each other with our chopsticks (he was impressed that I already knew how to use them lmao) and we sit on the couch arm in arm watching reruns of cheers and laughing way too loudly and fall asleep in each other’s arms as the sun comes up outside but we don’t have anything to do the next day so it’s ok. and it was the sweetest most romantic shit I’ve literally ever heard in my LIFE, like it sounds like actual heaven and i was crying happy tears at this point lmao. just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 like in that moment i felt so fucking loved i couldn’t even speak and y’all know i’m never speechless, i literally can’t fucking shut up most of the time lmao. and like at that point his phone was dying so he went to plug it in and go to bed and I did the same because it was like 2:30 in the morning but i was just giddy with affection and couldn’t sleep. 

anyway so the next day (sunday) i had a party thing to go to that was really fun but i’m socially awkward so i texted him a lot as a crutch. and then the next day (monday) he had given me “permission to bug the crap out of him” so i messaged him a lot throughout my work day because it was an unusually crappy day anyway. and the day after that (tuesday) we messaged about the democratic debates and stuff. and then i kinda tried to give him some space, because i felt like i was smothering him, and i made it all the way to friday evening before i caved in and messaged him again. like i don’t wanna bother him by messaging him every day, i know he’s busy. whenever he doesn’t actively have class, he’s got homework or he’s working (which usually means he’s driving and can’t talk). but i’m like so addicted to the affection i get from him, it’s bad. my anxiety just keeps building and getting worse if i try to avoid messaging him and I don’t make it very far before i end up giving in and messaging him for a hit of that good ol’ dopamine. so we ended up catching each other up on the events of the latter part of our week, and talking about sushi preferences. and he apparently has never had eel?? like that was probably the 2nd or 3rd thing i tried lmao 😂 but then to be fair I had a boyfriend at the time who was very interested in making sure i tried new things, and who had been stationed briefly in japan so he knew a lot about sushi and wanted to show off. anyway Letter Boy is like me, he prefers salmon by a wide margin. and we talked about how he’d tried squid and did not enjoy it, and that turned into a mini battle to see who could post the weirdest squid-themed gif lmao. and then i sent him the playlist but he still hasn’t listened to it yet I don’t think. but he also wants me to write him a poem lmao so that’s something i should start working on i guess. but idk i’m not feeling it rn but that’s not his fault. 

and then today happened and i had another incident with my mother and her narcissistic bullshit and i was feeling like shit so i reached out to my best friend to kinda get some validation that i’m not actually the narcissistic one (which felt shitty and manipulative, like if i have to ask i’m probably at least a LITTLE narcissistic. but then again if i actually was narcissistic i guess i wouldn’t even have that doubt? like i would just be certain that i wasn’t and not second-guess it because i wouldn’t care? and like making their victims believe that THEY are the narcissistic ones and the abuser isn’t, is a classic hallmark of gaslighting and narcissistic abuse? but i still felt like shit about it idk). And I also reached out to Letter Boy because while I love my best friend more than words can say, like she’s my sister-from-another-mother, Letter Boy has kind of become my comfort person. like i always used to write letters to him whenever I was going through a rough spot, as a distraction. and usually I’ll message him whenever I’m starting to feel anxious or sad, but lately it’s gotten to where I’ll start to feel anxious and sad whenever I don’t message him regularly. like i’ve said, it’s getting bad and i’m worried about it. like that’s not a good sign of a healthy relationship. and it’s nice to have some positivity in my life, especially given all the negative shit i’m constantly surrounded by. but that doesn’t mean this relationship is healthy or good for either of us. so that’s yet another thing on my list of shit that’s making me anxious lol. but anyway he tried to be supportive when i told him about what i’m dealing with in re: my mother, and encouraged me to get out, but he just seemed kinda generally lost. like he didn’t know how to deal with it. and if that’s because he’s been fortunate enough that in his life, that kind of behaviour is not something he’s experienced, then I’m happy for him. but he said some stuff about not really believing in labels, but specifically in regards to mental health issues? which like. that’s all fine and good in terms of gender and sexuality, but with mental health, that’s a medical issue. you kind of have to have names for things in that context so that you can treat them. and i get that he was kinda trying to be encouraging to me, to not let my mother make me think of myself as a narcissist, and to not feel so shitty about myself in terms of like my depression and anxiety and stuff. but it just felt like it was sort of coming from a place of very neurotypical privilege and misunderstanding, and it was sort of unintentionally invalidating. and then he brought up the idea of us living together again, once he graduates, but he said it in a slightly more realistic way which i should have been happier with but that only wound up disappointing me. he said “maybe when i graduate we can get a place...” instead of like his certainty from earlier. and i said i wish, and he said that he wishes too and we should both hope for it and maybe it’ll happen. and i’m just like... hope is a dangerous thing for my emotional health, i don’t want to hope for something that isn’t going to happen. and he basically said that i need to learn to hope without expectation, and set small goals as baby steps toward that bigger dream, and i’m just like. i don’t understand but thank you lmao. and that’s where we left off this evening. and i’ve been crying, about shit with my mom and my life in general and worrying about all this bullshit with letter boy and how like a week ago we were blissfully happy with each other and now things are feeling increasingly less certain and i have this burning feeling in the back of my mind that he’s not gonna actually show up for the Syrup Festival in 3 weeks - which again, i’ve pinned all my hopes to, it’s the light at the end of my newest tunnel. and i’m so nervous because i want to show him everything and let him get a feel for where i live (and why i feel trapped here lmao) and yet at the same time i don’t know how to handle it because i don’t think he’ll feel the same way about it as i do. and i’m still not sure he’ll even come. because despite him telling me repeatedly that he wants to come, i can’t help but feel that either something will come between us within that time, or he’ll just end up having to work, or something, and he won’t actually come. i’m so terrified he won’t want to come. I’m terrified i’m pushing him away. because this whole thing, ever since we started writing letters, has felt mostly one-sided, like i’m out here sharing everything with him and flinging my love and attention at him, and getting scraps in return, just enough to keep me coming back for more. and i don’t know if he’s stringing me along or if he’s serious. he is a bit flighty. I don’t want him to fly away. but i don’t want to hold him down, either.

i don’t know.

[lycorogue]

Meet My OCs: Willow (Part 3 – Character Arc Events)

Hello yet again! Ready for the next part of Willow's introduction? I'm telling you, when I first started working on this, I did NOT intend on Willow's entry surpassing 30pgs single spaced within a Word document, nor did I expect it to take a week to write up and edit! Thankfully, the epic document was easy enough to break down into 6 parts for slightly easier consumption. I wonder if my other characters will be as detailed....

Anyway, how about a quick recap before I keep going? This is part of a multi-post series I started here on Tumblr about a month ago. A means to introduce you guys to my main OCs.

In Part 1 of this series, I talked about why I'm doing it in the first place, as well as explain the real-world influences that helped me create my two story worlds of Gyateara and Glitches.

Part 2 of the series talked about the inspiration that birthed each of my four main Gyateara characters.

Part 3a did the same, but for my four main teenage Glitches characters.

Part 3b then talked about the Glitches main supportive cast of six adult characters; each one originating as a canonical X-Men character.

Earlier today, I moved on to Part 4 of this series: the official introduction of my characters, one by one. I started off with my most present character: Willow Driver. In Meet Willow: Part 1, I shared Willow's background, gave an overview of her personally, and talked about her powers. There were also some lovely pictures to showcase what she looks like.

In Meet Willow: Part 2, I discussed her main relationships.

Part 4 will showcase the other artwork I created for Willow, as well as two cards @chibisunnie created for me that feature Willow. 

Then, in Part 5, Willow is showcased narratively with a series of scene samples and shorts.

Finally, Willow’s introduction is concluded in Part 6 with a couple videos of wrestling intros we created for Hubby's WWE13 video game. It will be a fun closing post for this mini-series about Willow.

Now, getting back to this post (Part 3), I'm going to discuss Willow's main story arc events, as seen thus far in the X-Future play-by-post game she originated in. In truth, I haven't played Willow since 2017, so I had forgotten just how eventful her X-Future life truly was! At the end of this recap of her life, I'll also talk about how any of these events will relate to my intended opening character arc for Willow in Glitches.

So, hopefully you have a snack and a drink, because this ended up being 10gs long in my word document. It may take a minute or two to read. Once you're ready, go ahead and check below the break to see what Willow has been up to in X-Future, and how it will transfer to Glitches.

X-Future: 

Most of the early events I had already talked briefly about in Part 2 of Willow's introduction, as I discussed her main relationships.

She was at Colossus Academy from the ages of 13 through 15, but when Colossus and Jubilee were killed on mission, and the Academy was shut down, Willow transferred to the Xavier Institute along with her close friend Marge, her surrogate younger brother Hedge, and her pseudo-girlfriend Penumbra. They were a tight clique, but she quickly grew attracted to Chayse, formed a rocky friendship with Lia, and found a playful flirt-buddy in Devon.

She was pushed hard by the faculty at the Xavier Institute, and held to a higher standard than she was used to. This forced her to shape up, mature a little, and stop pranking/bullying others as much. She became closer to Devon, and focused using her powers to mostly prank and tease him and William.

Devon couldn't really hide his attraction to Willow, despite her teasing, and she soaked up as much of the attention as possible. She also tried to ignore her feelings for Chayse, who was dating Lia at the time. Instead she leaned more towards her feelings for Devon, much to Penumbra's dismay.

Willow noticed William's straight-laced and overly conservative personally, and put it on herself to get him to loosen up and act like the 17yo he was. She falsely believed he had a crush on her, so she routinely teased him with sensual images. She thought he was riled up because he, a nearly-18-year-old, was trying to resist his attraction to her, a 15-year-old. She didn't realize he actually got so worked up because she was genuinely annoying him.

One day there was an accident. William was practicing unsupervised as he pushed his powers to their limit. He ended up passing out when he teleported too high into the atmosphere, and plummeted to his death. Willow and Lia joined forces to lead a vigil and build a statue dedicated to William's memory. Willow then realized she thought of William as a brother, as she remembered her own estranged brother. She regretted her treatment of William, and toned down her sensual illusions to tease people. She didn't give them up completely, but she certainly used them more as a means of flirting with those who positively responded to them, as opposed to using them to tease and prank as she had done with William.

Life evened out for a few months, getting back to some sort of normalcy within the school. Then came the day that Devon went to Willow to confide in her. He was on a mission to recruit a new kid for the school, and he had run into The Brotherhood. The leader of the organization, Pyro, told Devon, who was abandoned at a church orphanage while only 4months old, that The Brotherhood could help him figure out who his parents are. Devon had turned down the offer, knowing the Brotherhood to be a terrorist group trying to rule over humanity, as opposed to the X-Men's goal of cohabitation. Devon couldn't get the offer out of his head, though. Trying to help Devon clear his mind, Willow suggested he try out his first Danger Room session. Cyclops offered to run the session, and went to the control room; leaving Devon alone in the DR. Willow moved to an observation deck, assuming watching Devon's first DR run would be hilarious.

Instead, it became something that would haunt Willow for the next couple of years. Devon was put through a generic rescue mission training, in which he had to recover Penumbra. Upon freeing her, Devon was promptly knocked out in a surprise attack. Willow was horrified as she watched the Danger Room transform to look like the school’s infirmary, making Devon believe he was outside the simulator when he awoke. Devon was then told of a mission he needed to go on, and Willow desperately tried to signal to him that nothing he was seeing was real.

While on this “mission,” Devon was paired up with Willow's friend Marjory (Marge). They were separated from the team and confronted by Pyro, who again offered Devon information about his past. All he had to do was “get rid of” Marjory. Devon wrestled his teammate, put her into a sleeper hold, and knocked her out. He discretely checked that he didn't kill her, and then swiped her phone, hoping to use it to contact the X-Men with a location once Pyro brought him to Brotherhood HQ. The simulation didn't last long enough for Devon to execute his plan, however. Cyclops shut the simulation down, declaring Devon a failure of his loyalty test, and instantly put Devon on probation; resulting in him getting limited access to X-Men records and withholding information on who Devon's parents are.

Willow was beyond pissed at the deception, not fully grasping the irony of her anger. She viewed Cyclops a villain for his manipulation, and stormed off to cool down. She intended to check in on Devon later that night, but she never got the chance. Devon had decided he would prove Cyclops wrong by following through with is Danger Room plan, but in real life. He'd infiltrate the Brotherhood, find out about his parents, and then lead the X-Men to the Brotherhood stronghold to take the organization down. He wrote a letter of apology and gratitude to Headmistress Kitty Pryde-LeBeau for giving him the opportunity of joining the school. He wrote another letter of apology to Marjory, in case she truly was in the DR with him instead of a simulation. He wanted her to know that he never meant to hurt her. Finally, he wrote a farewell letter to Willow explaining why he had to leave, and his plan for coming back. As proof that he intended to return, he left Willow his prized possession: his customized lighter. His only means of creating fire that he could then manipulate with his powers.

Before anyone realized Devon had gone, and/or found his letters, the school was attacked by a large energy blast. The energy blast created a major explosion that collapsed the school. Chayse and Gambit were able to read the energy change around the school soon enough to give almost everyone enough warning to get to the safety bunkers below ground. There were still some casualties, though, and Willow feared that Devon was among them. The faculty wouldn't let the students leave the bunkers as they did headcounts and looked for the missing. Drifting to the Astral Plane, Willow watched the clean-up and rescue crew pulling bodies from the rubble. She was relieved that none of them were Devon, but devastated to discover young Hedge's body among the deceased. She swore vengeance on whomever attacked the school.

A few hours later, security film revealed that Devon had run from the school campus an hour before the attack, although the actual attack wasn't caught on cameras; they were all damaged by the energy surge.

Most at the school suspected that Devon was somehow involved; signaling to The Brotherhood for the attack. The fact that the faculty knew Devon was the son of two Brotherhood members, and that he had been in and out of juvenile detention centers for the past five years didn't help matters.

Willow decided that Devon was a traitor, and his was the face she'd picture whenever she thought of revenge for Hedge. She spent the next two years hating her former best friend and crush; picturing ways to torture and punish him for Hedge's death. She also hated Cyclops for his deception, although she understood why he did it. The whole experience showed her, from an outside perspective, what her own powers do to people, and her use of them to pull pranks dropped significantly.

Around the same time as the attack on the school, Chayse's best friend Nix was abducted from the school's infirmary. Chayse had a lead on where Nix could be, and desperately wanted to follow it. Cyclops was chosen as an escort, and Willow his teammate. Lia wanted to go as well, but her earth/magma manipulation powers were too valuable for the fortification of the school's foundation and bunkers, so she was ordered to stay behind to help with reconstruction. Nix's girlfriend Annika also stayed behind, working with her mother Rachel Grey to try to find any other hints on Nix's abduction.

Willow and Chayse spent most of that summer running around Europe, following faint traces of clues to Nix's location. On a mountain range in Bulgaria, their search came to an abrupt end when they came across an experimental facility. While searching through the building, Chayse believed he heard Nix call out to him, but there was an explosion shortly after. Chayse had to decide between Nix and Willow, and decided to phase Willow to safety. Having pushed his powers to an extreme he never tried before in order to save Willow, Chayse collapsed from the strain. The explosion had also separated them from Cyclops, so Willow was left alone to fend for both of them for three days before they were rescued. When the trio went back into the building to see if there were any possible survivors, the facility was in complete ruins, and charred remains rested where Chayse thought he heard Nix call to him. The DNA sample they took revealed that it was indeed Nix. Their search was complete, and Chayse had failed. Annika wouldn't believe them, though, claiming she still felt the psychic link she had with Nix. When everyone tried to tell her she was in denial and grieving, Annika left to prove that Nix was still alive.

Willow helped Chayse grieve over the next few weeks. Between that moment of vulnerability and the months of being each other's companions, the two became incredibly close. They both felt sparks, but both assumed it was simply a product of traumatic events – Willow's near-death and having to nurse Chayse, and Chayse's grief over Nix – and assumed the feelings would fade again. Chayse remained faithful to Lia, and Willow became even more flirtatious with just about every other student at the school.

The next year went fairly smoothly, mostly focused on rebuilding the school, grieving the students they lost, and continuing their trainings so they would be strong enough to take down The Brotherhood. During this time, Willow became Lia's new roommate to replace Annika. This allowed the two of them to get fairly close, and soon enough Willow, Lia, and Chayse became the big power-trio on campus: The Three Musketeers.

Then, while protecting a new recruit coming to the Xavier Institute, Chayse was attacked by a new Brotherhood member. He managed to defeat the Brotherhood, and get the recruit back to the safety of the school, however, he was badly injured: two spiral electrical burns to his chest. While Chayse was in the infirmary, Willow realized how much she truly cared for him. Not wanting to break up a happy couple, she decided to keep her distance while Lia stood watch over her boyfriend.

Chayse was hurt that Willow didn't visit while he was injured, and confronted her about it. Eventually, Willow admitted to her feelings, and how she had them nearly the whole time she had known him. Chayse confessed his feelings as well; they never truly waned after their mission to rescue Nix. Willow refused to be the reason he broke up with Lia, though, and told him they needed to stop hanging out. Chayse admitted that he and Lia were drifting lately (a fact Lia ended up not realizing), and that he couldn't ignore his feelings for Willow any longer. They agreed that Chayse had to break things off with Lia, and that they'd allow her time to grieve the relationship before Willow would start dating Chayse. She didn't want to rub her relationship in her roommate's face while Lia was still healing.

While on the subject of healing, Willow then checked on Chayse's chest, and was confronted with two healing spirals that would be scarred there. Chayse told Willow of the attack, and described the assailant: a man about 19 with the same silver-white hair and aquamarine eyes Willow had, and went by the code name Screwdriver. Willow was dumbfounded to discover that her brother had powers, had teamed up with The Brotherhood, and had attached Chayse. She didn't want to believe any of it. Picking up on how overwhelmed Willow was, Chayse left her to process everything.

The next day, Chayse went to break things off with Lia. She was so devastated by the news that she lost control of her powers, nearly burning Willow with a fire blast, and forcing Chayse to strain to use his powers to help her regain control. Chayse wasn't healed from his brush with Screwdriver, and fainted under the effort. Willow stayed by Chayse's side as Lia rushed to get help. The two of them had a fight in the infirmary waiting room as Chayse was taken care of. The fight ended with Lia running out of the building to hide by the river that ran along the border of the school's estate (more about this in Lia's intro in 2 weeks).

Chayse recovered fairly quickly, and he and Willow walked on eggshells for the next couple of weeks while Lia recovered from her heartbreak. As Prom neared, Chayse asked Willow to be his date. Trying to extend an olive branch, Willow asked Lia and a couple of other girls on their floor if they all wanted to go dress shopping and get ready together. Lia, now infatuated with two newer recruits Lincoln and Ripley, agreed to the group Prom-prep party. Willow and Lia still had a rocky relationship, and Lia still hated to see Willow and Chayse together, but they were at least civil and attempted to be friends.

At the prom after-party, hosted by one of the students - a former Irish pop idol - the Brotherhood attacked. They were again after the recruit Chayse had saved from Screwdriver. Shawn had already killed the mutant Dazzler, who was there to perform at the after-party, and then he set his sights on Chayse. He quickly picked up that Willow cared deeply for Chayse, and so Shawn focused on killing his sister's boyfriend in front of her. Willow, being protected and carried away by a fellow student, slipped into the Astral Plane in order to try to create illusions to distract the Brotherhood long enough for the students to escape, as well as have enough power to mentally attack Shawn to slow him down and protect Chayse.

In the end, Chayse was able to take down Shawn on his own, but Screwdriver was whisked away from the battle by his teammates before Chayse could properly capture him for transport to the X-Men. Meanwhile, Willow's illusions made it look like the Brotherhood's target was killed in the crossfire, rendering their mission complete. Just as the students were going to call themselves the victor, Chayse noticed the same energy signature he felt just before the school collapsed two years prior. He alerted Willow via telepathy, and she relayed the information to the other students. They ran for cover as she used her telekinesis to hold the building together long enough for everyone to escape. The strain of using her powers so much that night, and lingering on the Astral Plane for so long, left her unconscious the next day.

Shortly after recovering, Willow's world was rocked by a new arrival at the school. A man with silver hair in his early 20s. A man who had come from the future, and one who looked an awful lot like an aged up Chayse. Soon enough, it was revealed that this man – Sebastian – was Chayse and Willow's son. He was from an apocalyptic future where an organization called Challengers of Heaven took over the whole planet. Sebastian and is fiance Brianne - who was originally from the present, but was thrown into the future via a wormhole - came to the present to try to stop the Challengers, who had also sent warriors to the past.

Sebastian was excited to spend time with Chayse, who had died when Sebastian was about five. Meanwhile, Willow was trying to wrap her mind around the fact that she was going to have a kid with Chayse, and that she would be known as one of the Great Protectors; the last of a resistance against the Challengers.

As Willow continued to recover from the prom after-party, and tried to cope with finding out about Sebastian, Lia was in charge of an escort mission. During the prom after-party, Lia managed to capture the Brotherhood member Trish. Lia was the only one who couldn't be burnt by Trish's pyrokinesis, so she, and a few other students that had signed up as X-Men junior recruits, were assigned as prison escorts for Trish's transfer to S.H.I.E.L.D. custody. The mission went horribly wrong. A relatively new student, who went by the code name Psyke, had betrayed everyone to The Brotherhood. The terrorist organization managed to kill most of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents, and Psyke killed a student who believed himself Psyke's best friend. The Brotherhood also managed to rescue Trish from the X-Men and S.H.I.E.L.D. The only victory the X-Men had on that mission was three Brotherhood members defecting. Lia had run into Devon while he was there to rescue Trish, and he instantly switched sides to help Lia and the X-Men. His pseudo-girlfriend Nyssa followed suit, as did Devon's best friend Zeke. The former Brotherhood trio even rescued Lia from a new villainess who called herself Agony; a mutant who has the ability to transfer the pain and physical damage she received to whichever target she picked. So any time Devon would punch Agony, Nyssa would feel the connection as if Devon had punched her instead. That sort of thing. She has far more powers than just that, but those will relate more to Lia's intro, so I’ll talk about them then....

Upon arriving back to the Xavier Institute, Lia vouched for Devon, Nyssa, and Zeke, and asked for them to be accepted into the school. The trio was vetted by the local telepaths, and were put on probationary student status. Willow was NOT a fan, however, and instantly attacked Devon the second she saw him. Chayse had to peel her off of Devon to stop her from knocking him out, especially since Devon was just accepting her hatred and punishment, and likely would have allowed her to beat him unconscious.

There were a lot of arguments between Willow and Devon as he tried to find his place within the Xavier Institute again. The main conflict between them became the premise of the collaborative story “Please, Let Me Explain” that Devon's creator Ronoxym and I started working on YEARS ago. (We need to get back to that story...).

Shortly after Devon's return, Chayse and Willow had their own encounter with Agony. They were off to recruit a mutant, but their mission went south the second they landed at their destination. They quickly realized they were sent to the same portion of Bulgaria where they lost Nix. The very mountain range the facility was on rose above the valley they landed in. Chayse, already suffering from PTSD, instantly dropped to the ground and became catatonic. Telepath and team leader Emma Frost almost instantly realized that the PTSD flashbacks must have left him vulnerable, and he was attacked by a powerful telepath. Chayse was stuck in some sort of mental trap, and Willow needed to enter his mind to rescue him while Emma looked for the attacking telepath. It was tricky, since Willow never astral projected herself into someone else's mind before, but after a couple of tries, she succeeded. While in Chayse's mind, she saw him tortured by Nix; screaming about how little Chayse must have cared for anyone if he let Nix die and abandoned Lia for Willow. Willow quickly stepped in to try to protect Chayse and reassure him he had done nothing wrong. When Nix retaliated against Willow, Chayse came to his senses and rescued her. That was when it was revealed that Nix was actually Agony, astral projected into Chayse's mind, just like Willow, but cloaked in the image of Nix. After a quick battle, wherein Agony failed her attempts to mentally attack Willow, the duo incapacitated Agony, and Emma created a means for the three of them to escape the mental trap Agony set for Chayse.

Once back to the real world, Agony physically attacked; attempting a sneak attack to stab Willow through the shoulder blades. Chayse stopped Agony, and knocked her away. Willow then attacked Agony, knocking her to the ground, only to watch Chayse fall to the ground as well. Any injury inflicted on Agony would also happen to Chayse. To further prove her point, Agony stabbed a barbed spike through her own palm, and Chayse's hand went limp and began to bleed. Willow and Agony tussled a bit more, before Willow accidentally stabbed one of the barbed spikes into Agony's side in a take-down tackle. Thankfully, Chayse phased at the last second, transferring the pain of the stab, but the injury couldn't be transferred since he didn't have a solid form at the time. With Willow distracted in making sure Chayse was alright, Agony slipped away, vowing to not underestimate Willow next time.

After patching Chayse up, he, Willow, and Emma made their way to a Bulgarian prison where their recruit was being held. After a tense prisoner exchange, they got the new recruit Nodya to safety and flew back to the Xavier Institute.

To try to help Willow relax after so many emotional and physical shocks, Chayse took her to Japan for her 18th birthday; spending two weeks on the other side of the world. The trip didn't go exactly as planned, though, since they experienced some fairly open mutant discrimination and hatred. Chayse was even attacked while trying to defend Willow against an anti-mutant threat. Chayse managed to win the fight, barely, and they spent the next three days holed away in his mother's summer home in Japan (where she was trained by Wolverine, once upon a time) while Chayse recovered. The majority of the trip was lovely, though, and Willow appreciated both the distraction and the time away with her boyfriend (and future baby-daddy).

Returning to the school refreshed, and seeing how much effort Devon truly put in trying to make amends with the school, Willow's hatred for him faded. He didn't really do anything terribly unforgivable, and he had suffered just as hard over the past two years: thinking he had abandoned his friends to die. The Brotherhood wasn't actually at fault for the attack, and so Devon had also spent two years looking for revenge for the death of his found family. Devon and Willow never got back to the same level of closeness they had before he had left, but they slowly became friends again.

Then, a few weeks before the summer break ended, Nyssa started receiving letters from her estranged family. She had been disowned simply for being a mutant, but her parents realized how much they missed and loved their daughter. They asked for forgiveness, and begged for a chance to make amends. Nyssa mostly ignored her parents' pleas, but then she received a letter from Trish stating that she was with Nyssa's parents, and vaguely threatened their lives. Nyssa couldn't leave her parents to that murderer, and so she decided to go stop Trish. Devon insisted he'd come as well, since Trish was clearly after him that whole time anyway. They asked the X-Men for help, but there was a delay (for some reason that I can't recall... lack of intel?). Nyssa and Devon couldn't wait for the X-Men to be ready to go in for the rescue, so they went on their own. After a long battle with Trish (another story I've written but still need to polish before publishing online), Nyssa and Devon were killed. Turned out Nyssa's parents were already long dead, and all the letters about making amends were written by Agony, who had partnered up with Trish for this bit of sport.

Willow grieved the loss of her friend, unbelieving that he was truly gone this time. (In truth, Devon was revived, has amnesia, his mutation gave him a new default face, and Devon now lives in a mutant safe-house as he tries to remember who he is; no one knows any of this though.)

As the summer came to a close, and everyone once again grieved the loss of student lives (real safe place, the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters.... >_> ), Willow was rocked by another development. She had gone to Chayse's room one day, to discover him missing and the room ransacked. There was a note that Chayse had received, which told him to go back to the destroyed building the prom after-party was held in. The note's author, who turned out to be Agony, offered up information about what had happened to Nix all those years ago if Chayse agreed to meet.

Willow gathered up Lia and Zeke to try to help track Chayse down. They managed to get to the destroyed building shortly after Chayse. Agony originally mocked Chayse, but when he attacked her, she was rescued by a man made of ice and dressed in a monastery robe. The man called himself Boreas, and he could control winter weather – creating a frozen tundra on the building's lawn despite it being early September in New York state. Chayse instantly recognized Boreas as Nix; his DNA somehow altered to remove his telekinetic powers, but his ice manipulation powers enhanced to Omega level. Another body had its DNA manipulated to match Nix's, and that was the body Chayse had recovered from the facility two years prior. Willow raced to Chayse's side to help him as Boreas cried out for vengeance for being abandoned, and attempted to kill Chayse. Pissed that Chayse had backup, Boreas used a massive arctic wind to knock everyone away from them. He then created a maze of magical ice; the same thing he had used to help Trish escape S.H.I.E.L.D. custody.

Chayse was alone with Boreas, and knew his only option was to fight his former best friend. He hoped that once he incapacitated Boreas he could bring the man to the Institute, and have Nix be restored. Willow, Lia, and Zeke were all separated from Chayse in the maze – and Zeke separated from the girls. They rushed to try to get back to him, but Agony managed to corner Willow and Lia, cutting off their advancement to Chayse. Avoiding a two-on-one fight, Agony welcomed into battle Boreas' main ally, his partner Judgment. She was a woman in her early 20s, dressed in battle armor, and resembling a warrior angel as flame wings erupted from her back. Judgment declared Lia her opponent, and Agony happily detained Willow. Before anyone could react, Agony used yet another power no one know about, and encased Willow in an orb that forced her onto the Astral Plane.

Willow and Agony battled, and Willow managed to get the upper hand at one point, threatening to stab Agony. Unfazed, Agony simply stepped into the knife, spraying blue blood all over Willow. The blood then paralyzed her, trapping her stiff on the “ground” of their battle field. Once fully incapacitated, the blue blood spilled off of Willow, and formed into a blade within Agony's hand, leaving Willow vulnerable to Agony's killing blow. At the last second, the three copies Willow made of herself earlier in the battle lunged towards Agony, stopping the attack. Agony was startled that the copies moved of their own accord and independent of each other, the doppelgangers Agony created earlier in the fight could only mirror her movements. It was then that Willow discovered that the illusions she made on the Astral Plane were actually psy-weapons, which meant Agony disbelieving the illusions didn't dispel them. As the three Willow copies wrestled Agony, the dagger fell from her hand and shattered. Terrified by the sight of the blade breaking, Agony quickly retreated, and wished Willow luck in escaping the Plane Agony had put them in.

As Agony vanished within a blue orb, the landscape changed to a faded image of their battleground; gray and barren. The only thing Willow could see was a large blue crystal in the distance. The paralysis gone, she ran towards the crystal, and spotted the silhouette of a woman sleeping inside it. Finally, Willow got close enough to discern who the woman was: Willow herself. Upon that realization, Willow was brought back to the physical plane, the ice walls of Boreas' maze still up, the growls of battle around her, and her physical body locked comatose within a blue crystal right where she was when Agony forced her onto the Astral Plane.

Willow was still astral projected, as if she were a ghost on the physical plane. However, she was locked; not on the Astral Plane, and not truly on the physical one. She couldn't interact with anything, and couldn't communicate with anyone, despite how hard she tried. As if she were watching a TV show she couldn't control, Willow was forced to watch Lia finish her battle with Judgment, who had turned out to be Lia's friend and former roommate Annika; Nix's girlfriend who had volunteered to join the same villainous group as him, simply to stay by Nix's side.

In a cruel play, Judgment pretended to be Annika again; confused as to what had happened. As Lia ran to comfort her friend, Judgment held her close, and then used telekinetic powers to throw six adamantium spikes at Lia. Even in Lia's obsidian form, adamantium was the toughest substance on the planet, and they could rip right through her. Lia, in survival mode, dodged out of Judgment's death grip. She still was struck in the face, legs, and arms. Two spikes even ripped straight through Lia's shoulders like bullets. Already bleeding out pretty badly and in pain, Lia then noticed that in dodging the spikes, she condemned Judgment to be struck by them instead; all six impaled in the woman's torso. Willow was helpless to stop any of it.

Judgment collapsed into Lia's arms. She teased that Lia was capable of killing someone after all, and then passed out. Lia screamed for help, and the ice walls fell. It wasn't clear if Judgment had died in Lia's arms, but shortly after, her body vanished within a blue orb, just like Agony had done to escape the Astral Plane. Boreas escaped the same way as well. Chayse then rushed to Lia's side, with some assistance from Zeke. Once Chayse was certain that Zeke could care for Lia, he ran to the crystal that had encased Willow. He tried to phase her out of it, but the crystal reacted with violent electrical shocks, badly burning Chayse's hand. Zeke got to one of the motorcycles they had used to get to the ruined building, and sent a distress signal while Chayse tended to Lia's wounds.

Willow tried to call out to them, but her telepathy didn't seem to work. She tried to run for some help, but she was tethered to her physical form, incapable of going more than 20ft (6m) from her body. She screamed again for help, and Zeke responded to her; surprising her since she didn't realize he was a telepath. Chayse causing the electrical reaction from the crystal managed to create a microscopic crack that allowed Willow's telepathy to leak out slightly; catching the attention of other telepaths within that same 20ft radius she was locked within.

At the Institute, Chayse and Lia's wounds were taken care of. Chayse was released later that day, and Lia a few days later. Willow, on the other hand, was stuck with her body; trapped inside the private room in the infirmary for a week. Finally, when no one else could figure out how to get Willow out of her crystal, they called in the Sorcerer Supreme: Pixie. She was shocked at the massively advanced spell – one that she had only heard rumors of previously – and tried a few spells of her own. She was able to dispel the crystal, and trap it for further examination to see what kind of sorcery they were fighting against. Finally free of the crystal and the infirmary room, Willow went off to freshen up, have a few arguments with Chayse and Lia over how they overburden themselves as if they were the world's lone protectors, and then Willow blew off some steam at a new parkour training park Deadpool had built. She ran into a couple of new recruits, worked out on the parkour course for a little bit, and then headed back to the school in hopes of getting back to whatever her normal was.

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Like I said at the beginning, Willow has gone through way more than I remembered. And it's the points that I remembered that will make it to Glitches. Mostly because they were the most impactful on both Willow as a character and me, as a “reader.”

First and foremost, I don't want to get into the complexity of time travel in Glitches with everything else I'm trying to balance. So Sebastian and Brianne won't be making their way to Glitches. However, they MAY make their way into their own side-story at some point, but that's probably a couple decades into the future, especially at the rate I'm going....

Things with Nix and Annika are a bit too complicated as well, plus Nix/Boreas and Annika were created by other players (although, Husband came up with the Judgment persona for Annika after Nix's player came up with Boreas). Nix and another character – Lucas Kinney – will most likely become an amalgamation; one of the glitch children Matteo rescues when he tries to break his sister out of the experimentation facility. I can go more into this when I introduce Matteo.

Similarly, I don't know if I'll have the William plot exactly. Again, mostly because I don't own William, so I'd have to create a replacement character, and I'll most likely have to discover a new reason for Willow's grief over him, her realization of that brotherly connection she destroyed, and her adjusting how she uses her powers; assuming I have her still be a callous prankster at first.

While the Japan trip is sweet, we never actually role played it, so I don't see the over-all impact on Willow's arc, so that's also gone.

So, what bits are staying? For me, these are the key parts of Willow's development:

Willow's dual attraction to Chayse and Devon.

Willow becoming best friends with Devon, only to feel betrayed when he runs away to find out more info about his past.

I'm still trying to decide if the school will again be attacked by a third party so that Willow ends up hating Devon, blaming him for the attack, and vowing vengeance for Hedge's death.

Since Devon's DR run, his running away, the school being attacked, Willow's self-hatred for “pushing Devon” to betray them, as well as her hatred towards Devon, and then their subsequent reunion makes up soooooo much of Willow's arc in-game, I feel it NEEDS to be in Glitches in some shape or form.

The real trick is either convincing Ronoxym to allow me to write Devon/co-author Glitches with me, or I’ll have to create my own Devon from scratch...

Willow discovering her brother Shawn not only has powers, but has also joined The Brotherhood (Called The Virus in Glitches) and wants to kill her and their parents.

Seeing the interaction between Shawn and Devon would be interesting

Shawn will just be “turned evil” by his childhood; no additive of being a psychopath needed (I'll leave that to Trish).

Shawn will still be discovered via his attack on a new recruit for the school. I'm debating if I want it to still be Chayse, and Willow finds out after-the-fact, or if she is there for the first interaction...

While not necessarily a prom after-party, I do want an off-campus gathering to be attached by The Virus in order to capture one of the students. That way Lia can show off her badassery with her one-on-one with Trish, and Willow can still prove her usefulness by using illusions to throw off the attackers into thinking their target is dead. Also, that was her greatest showcase of her telekenetic powers, and it also showcased the downsides to Willow having to be on the Astral Plane in order to fully utilize her powers.

Willow's interactions with Agony; a means for her to push her mental powers, and a foil as Agony has similar powers of manipulation/illusion.

Hubby originally headcannoned that Agony was actually Jacob's first child before meeting Meryl and having Shawn and Willow. Which is why Agony and Willow have similar power sets. It seems a bit weird, however, that Shawn's powers wouldn't match those of his sisters, nor did it seem logical that both of Willow's siblings were murderous psychopaths that loved to torture and torment, but Willow wasn't like that after seeing how much her powers truly hurt others. So, I'm still debating if I want to make Hubby's headcannon official.

Willow being trapped within the crystal after a battle with Agony. It would be interesting to have the time to fully explore that experience, and the grief her friends suffered while trying to break her out of it.

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You good? Everyone caught up? You can take your pee-break now.

Makes sense that this kept me so long to write up and edit down, no? Anyway, thank you guys SOOOOO MUCH for again indulging me and sitting through all of that! You all amaze me!

Next up: Part 4 - Images. Who’s ready to see all the different versions of Willow I’ve collected throughout the years?

[officialthiamlibrary]

Welcome to another profile on Behind the Screens, giving you personal insight on who your favorite creators are and what they do when they aren’t wowing you with their creative ability.

This week, I’m excited to bring to you our first artist, Dalyane, or Da-Smiley99. Although, in her case, a more appropriate title would be jack-of-all-trades. As our resident fic writer, song-inspired pic spam creator, and incorrect quote aficionado, she shares her inspiration behind incorrect quotes, her writing persona, her meta-author plans to dictate Thiam’s relationship, and much more! Take a look :)

So, Dalyane, let’s ease our way into things. Tell us about yourself. The catch: the word count should be equal to or less than the number of letters in your two favorite Teen Wolf characters’ name. 

Stiles Stilinski + Theodore Raeken = 25 : My name’s Dalyane, I’m a ray of sunshine in human form. What I want the most is to make people happy with what I do.

And, how did you find the Thiam pack? What about Theo x Liam drew you in?

To be honest, I don’t have the slightest idea. It just came smoothly to me. When I saw Theo and Liam interacting, I was just drawn into it. I was drawn by the silent conversations in their eyes, every word that came out of their mouths that sometimes meant something else or something they haven’t said, their mutual violence towards each other. (I absolutely hate violence, but I don’t know why I’m deeply hypnotized by their banter and their complicated Like/Hate relationship). 

I’m like the most oblivious person ever, I wouldn’t even know if somebody is hitting on me, but there’s something romance-worthy (Is that even a word?) about their complicated relationship that drew me in the Thiam fandom. 

Not mentioning Theo’s past, Liam eventually learned to trust him at some point even if he was still a little hostile towards Theo. A little part of himself learned to forgive him, so he could fight alongside him. In the entire sixth season, I felt like they developed a whole new relationship based on building trust. Apart, Liam and Theo are quite strong alone, but together they cooperate, fight and act like they were a “whole”. Liam may not trust Theo yet, but I felt like his body, his own being told the opposite. I was extremely glad to see their relationship grow with their characters. So long story short, I just basically just dived into it. And it’s without a damn shame that I can say that I don’t even regret liking them together. And it’s also not because of the amazing, beautiful and breathtaking gifsets on Tumblr...Not at all.

Yes!! That sums up their relationship perfectly and worded so well. Let’s keep that going for a moment. Say this was a ‘Stranger Than Fiction’ situation and you could alter their relationship, their lives with your writing. How would they live through the following scenarios:

a. Their First Date: 

Oh, they would know for sure they’re on a date, even if it’s not a date. Theo and Liam would hear my annoying voice every five minutes. Like Liam would ask Theo to hang out at his place, it’s just two dudes hanging out, nothing extraordinary really. But I would still break the nice atmosphere by saying random things that comes from their heads. Like -Wow, Theo’s ass looks great in those Jeans, Liam thought- or -Had Liam’s lips always been that pink?- and God, they would be as red as tomatoes. Awkward much.

b. Their child’s first boyfriend/girlfriend

Theo would absolutely refuse to admit or say out loud that he doesn’t like his child’s significant other. It would hurt his pride, but he doesn’t want to hurt his small bean and his husband, Liam. Of course it’s my job! Theo would be outraged, but it would be so worth it.

c. Their first conflict as an official couple

Because of me, their fight would last for 5 minutes maximum. They would be in a situation where Theo would get jealous because he thought some random guy was flirting with Liam, when in fact he was just being super friendly. So Theo was being an asshole out of jealousy. Liam would start getting angry at him, asking what was his problem but Theo wouldn’t respond. I would just whisper in the air: “Hey, he was jealous you dummy.“ Then they would apologize to each other, followed quickly by a make out session. Yeah, you’re welcome Thiam. 

Haha, honestly, they’d be lucky to have you running the show! Piggy-backing off the craziness you’d put them through, sometimes, characters  find themselves in situations they aren’t sure they can get out of. In your life, is there a time you found yourself in a situation like that and what did you do?

Oh god. Almost nothing happened to me in my life. But I will share this particularly embarrassing moment of me. So one day I was going to my high school, I was inside the school bus. But suddenly the bus stopped at my old middle school, then our chauffeur turned to us saying our high school was closed because of the snow. 

So we went inside the middle school to call our parents so they can pick us up. But that day my mom was working, so she wasn’t available. My grandma didn’t pick up the phone either. So I was like “I can’t stay here anyway, what should I do?” Then my stupid old self just got out of the school, walking all the way to my home. Yeah, I was pretty stupid back then.

 I was freezing and couldn’t see a damn thing in front of me because I was in the middle of a snowstorm. A random guy slowed his car close to me and asked me if I want to get in. Then I remembered what my mom said about getting in a car with a stranger, Oh hell no. I lied saying I was close to home, so he would leave me alone. It worked. 

30 minutes later I think, another car stopped close to me and a woman speaks to me, “Get in, I won’t let you freeze on the road.” I hesitated, obviously. Until I saw my friend in the passenger seat. Finally, I got home safely! I was incredibly embarrassed and horrified; I felt like an idiot. I never thought that I would get home. Holy molly, that was terrifying. When my mom asked why I was home early, I lied to her saying that the chauffeur brought all the students home in the morning. Well, I’ll never ever do that again.

Oh my goodness! Girl, I’m glad you got home ok and didn’t freeze to death! Before we jump into your work, who would be on your ultimate paintball/laser tag team. Any five characters from Teen Wolf. Also, Why?

I would have Stiles on my team, because he’s extremely smart and no doubt he would make up an excellent strategy on the field. I would have Theo, he’s also smart, but he’s a bit reckless and surely takes risks a lot so it can come in handy. I would have Malia, she’s a badass and would dominate the field with some girl power! (You go girl!) I would have Corey, he’s very subtle, doesn’t make a sound and he definitely would blend in the background and that is definitely handy for sure. What a great sneaky sniper. 

For the last member of my team, I would take Mason, he will probably use his charm and his charisma to lure the opposite team’s members. Or just make jokes and references to his favorite Tv shows. That kinda does the job too.

Perfect! And now your work! *Rubbing my hands together in anticipation*

You do a little bit of it all when it comes to creating for Thiam: fanfiction, fanart, edits, incorrect quotes. Which would you say is your favorite art form? And how do you balance creating them all? 

I guess my favorite form of art is writing. I had a talent for writing since I was a kid. I could express myself better on paper than with my voice. Many people had a hard time to believe that everything I wrote came from my mind, because I can’t express myself properly when I talk. For me, writing is an art and fanfics are masterpieces. Writing has been a way for me to escape the real world, my problems and my worries. Writing is a way for me to talk indirectly to readers and expressing my feelings to them through my writing. 

It’s kinda hard to balance my creativity in my posts, because I always do something different. If I see something I like on Tumblr, Instagram or Twitter, I tried to include it in them. I always try to get better. I’m trying to find my own style and keep it. I’m saying it again, I want to make people happy with what I do and when I get positive comments on my works, that makes me want to get  better. A part of me does all of this for my followers, to put a smile on their faces or make them laugh. Seeing them happy makes me happy too.

And, if your process was a person, describe them. What do they do? Wear? Listen to?

Well, she’s pretty thoughtful. She always paces back and forth in her room, trying to find a title to her work. She bases her work mostly on the title, that is most of the time based on a song. She’s always in PJ’s and some good old crocs. She just sit on her bed, listening to her favorite songs, TV shows, movies or her favorite YouTubers. She’s a little lazy girl, I guess. I can’t really blame her, it’s how she is. :)

What would you say is both your (and her) Writing Kryptonite, haha? How do you fight it?

It’s really strange, but I can’t write anything if I don’t listen to some music. Music always has been the source of my imagination, I just didn’t realize it until a few months ago. If I don’t have my phone and headphones on me, I can’t do anything. I need music to write. Depending to the meaning, the lyrics and the beat of the songs I listen to, my works change. If I write something sad, I listen to songs about heartbreak, death, breakups, etc. If I write something fluffy and happy, I will listen to songs about happy endings, falling in love, weddings,etc. 

When I know exactly what to write (theme, feeling expressed in it and other minimal things), I know instantly what song to listen to. Every time there’s music in my ears, I get in my own writing world and my hands just start tapping on my keyboard on their own. This is pretty unique, huh? Music gets me really emotional and I can’t do anything about it. It’s very strange. Since Music is the source of my creativity and imagination, it’s very rare that I have writer’s block.                  

To get rid of my writer’s block, I simply sit back on my couch and close my eyes, listening to some soft music. I take a break, because I can’t write something for a whole day, I would get a huge migraine. I would just relax and let everything come to me.

Your love for writing with music. Is that what inspires your song edits, like this one? What makes a song shout Thiam to you? How do you choose images that embody both the song, their relationship, and your writing for it?

I always choose a song that reflects their complicated relationship and what they’ve been through. I choose songs that are very specific for them, that express their banter, their problems and their backstories. Depending on the songs I choose for my edits, the colors, the pictures and themes are different with each one. For example, for a sad song, the colors and pictures of my edits will be darker, the theme of the edit will likely be sadness, sorrow, breakups,etc. For a more happy-go-lucky song, the colors and pictures will be clearer and brighter, and the theme of the edit will be happiness, calmness, comfort, etc. 

Everything I do in my edits will change with the song I choose. I chose pictures very carefully, they have to call to me (my creative style, I mean). When I find something perfect for my edits, I just know it. It’s hard to explain it, but I can feel it in my gut when I got something good. I’m a weird phenomenon.

And, incorrect quotes. How do those come to you too? Are they inspired by things you see of hear in everyday life? 

Most of them are inspired by my favorite YouTubers: Game Grumps. It’s a gaming channel, where two grown men play some video games while sassing each other, telling semi-bad jokes, swearing 95% of the time and saying perfect incorrect quotes material. Most of them came from the mouth of these awesome guys. Is it the time when I say you should check their channel out? Yeah, go check it, please. :)

Oh wow, one of my roommates watches their channel religiously!! I’ll have to join her sometimes, when I hear them blaring from her room haha. You’ve recently started a new multi-chapter fic, Catch & Release. Can you give us a quick summary, for anyone unfamiliar. 

The story happens one year after the events of season 6. A mysterious girl come knocking on Liam and Theo’s door, seeking their help. Her name is Skye Andrews.She’s a true Alpha who’s fighting against an hostile pack that plans to take Canada. When they saw that she wasn’t a threat and saying the truth, Liam and Theo accepted to help her, also accepting coming to Canada.

And did something inspire the concept?

I don’t even know. It just weirdly came to me just like that, while I was listening to the song “Catch & Release” by Matt Simons.The story made itself when I listened to the lyrics of the song. Now you know where the title came from.

Finally, you know I have to ask. Are there any spoilers you can slip us? 

Eventually you’ll get to know all of my original characters I included in the story. I can’t give any spoilers, because I still don’t know where this story is going. But here’s something I know for sure: Nolan/Alec and Thiam will be canon at some point in the story, I just don’t know when exactly. But if you want some precise informations, my ask box is always open.

Hahaha, fair enough. I guess we’ll have to read along and see. Ooh--perfect question segway. Bonus Question-if you could read only one author/fanfic writer for a whole year, who would you read? And what story of theirs would you horde?

Without hesitation, I say Captainmintyfresh (@Thiamfresh on Tumblr). I just adore her writing so much. It calls to me and her writing style absolutely hypnotized me. She’s incredibly talented and I just can’t stop reading her works. “Airplanes” is by far her best work. I think everyone should read it; it’s a piece of art, a masterpiece. I’m not even exaggerating. Her writing is truly amazing; it gives me the chills. I really wish I could write like that. She can capture the personality and the dynamic of the characters in the Teen Wolf universe. The way she writes their interactions is truly a treat. Seriously, If I could read her works forever, I would. She’s incredibly talented.

I share that sentiment, wholeheartedly. You’re not alone! Before we wrap, I want to ask about advice because I think it’s amazing when we’re given the opportunity to learn from one another. What’s the best writing/drawing/edit-creating advice you’ve ever gotten? Is there any wisdom you could gift us?

I didn’t get any advice in writing, but I would like to give some. If you are struggling with your writing, just take a breath and lean back to look at your work. If nothing comes out, it’s useless to work endlessly and working your brains out. Just take a break and work on it later. There’s no need to be rushed, take the time you need. Writing can be hard and demands a lot of concentration and creativity. Just take the time you need, take breaks and write everything you like. You are the creator of your story.

What’s next for you? Both in life and the creation world?

Well, I’m taking a year off of college. It was becoming too much for my brain to handle so much anxiety every day. In this year, I will eventually think about where I want to go and what I want to do. Maybe it will shorten my time for writing, but I want to do the most I can. I guess there’s nothing next in the creating segment, I’m just going to continue writing and drawing. But there’s nothing huge specifically.  

Any creating is always a perfect amount, so I’m sending you all the luck and inspiration juice in the world! Anything else you’d like to share, in general. The floor is all yours! :)

This concerns anybody reading this. I’m saying this for the third time now, but I’m writing fanfictions, doing edits, drawing fanarts and writing some incorrect quotes for you (all of you). I’m doing this to bring a smile on your faces, make you laugh and make you feel so many different emotions with my work. Seeing you guys happy, makes me incredibly happy. On everything that I do, don’t be shy and comment on my works. If you like my writing style, if you like how I make aesthetics, if you like my incorrect quotes or just quotes in general and if you like my fanarts, go ahead and tell me about those things. I probably won’t respond, because I have a social life outside of Tumblr and I’m actually pretty busy.I want to get better not just for myself, but for all of you. I don’t want to let anybody down and I don’t want to disappoint anybody. I really hope that I meet your expectations. I love each one of you (I’m definitely not crying right now).

Awww! And so with that, BTS presents Dalyane, Da-Smiley99! As always, you can keep the conversation going; respond to any of her thoughts, ask more questions, send a prompt, or simply swing by for a chat with Dalyane anytime. To quote her, she would be “absolutely thrilled” to receive your thoughts! If you’d like to dive into her works, check out both her AO3 and Tumblr.

Tumblr: Da-smiley99

AO3: Dasmiley99

Ask Box: Da-Smiley ask

A huge thank you to her for being so excited about our chat and sharing us piece of her life with us! 

Have a Thiam Creator you fan over, from any platform (AO3, Tumblr, Wattpad, Instagram, FFN, etc). Definitely drop us their names. Bonus points if you include any questions you’re dying to ask them. 

Likewise, if you as the creator, would like to be a part of the Behind the Screens series, give us a shout too! We’d love to get to know you, as well.

Mic drop!

[sarahlwlee]

31 Stories in 31 Days: Name

What is this? As part of celebrating Asian American & Pacific Islander Heritage Month (May), I am writing a story every day about my experiences as a Chinese Malaysian immigrant in America. My friends and family have provided numerous one-word prompts to help me create these stories. Today’s word prompt was contributed by Meg B. and the word is “Name”. Thank you Meg for your contribution and thank you everyone who stopped by to read my story today.

I was born in Malaysia with the name “Sarah Lee Ling Wei”. On my birth records, it’s only “Lee Ling Wei”. The name “Sarah” was considered a nickname growing up and my mother was concerned that I wouldn’t like my selected English name. She left it out of my birth records so that one day if I truly didn’t like it, I would choose a different English name for myself. According to my mother, this happened to my older sister where my mother gave her the English name Elaine, but she chose Hannah as her preferred English name when she was older.

Little did she know, nor I, how much the name Sarah would become a significant part of my identity.

Throughout my schooling years, I have always introduced myself as Sarah Lee Ling Wei. My teachers would make a note in brackets on the class registrar that my name included “Sarah”, even though it wasn’t officially on my birth records. Every time when a new teacher would read the class roster for attendance, I would say, “Teacher, my name is Sarah Lee Ling Wei and I’m present.” I am sure those teachers were annoyed at some point due to my obstinate behavior of getting my name right when all they had on record is my Chinese name.

When I was 14, I was baptized in a Lutheran church and they provided me with a baptism certificate that included my English name. I was so elated to have a piece of document that had my whole name and I kept it in a bright neon orange plastic binder to ensure it was kept in pristine condition. This document became critical when I joined an American transfer college degree program in Malaysia.

During my first semester in college, I failed my first 100-level class in Computer Information Systems (CIS). I remember viewing my results online at a computer lab in college and feeling shocked as well as owning my failure -- that I deserved this grade. I have never failed a class or test before, neither was I an A student in all my years of schooling, but somehow in that moment I gave in to my inner doubts and told myself I wasn’t cut out for college. After viewing the results, I drove to the nearest movie theatre to catch an international movie and cried in the theatre by myself.

I knew eventually I would have to drive home and tell my mother the bad news. When I got home my face was red and swollen from crying and my mom asked me, “What’s wrong, Sarah? Why are you crying?” I tearfully told her that I had failed my CIS class and that I wasn’t cut out for college. She sternly said to me, “Sarah this can’t be right. You poured all those late nights into building that website for your group project -- you did the whole thing. Also, you’re good at computers, how could you have failed?”

My mother, who has always come to my defense whenever she perceived some sort of injustice has occurred to me, took the car keys from my hand and told me to get in the car. She drove me to the college and asked me where is my CIS professor’s office located at. I walked my mother to my professor’s office and feared the potential retaliation from this professor. Every time my mother intervened with a teacher as about my studies or well-being as a child, it has been my unfortunate track record that those teachers end up hating me and finding ways to make my life a living hell. You can imagine my trepidation as we walked to my professor’s office.

My mother knocked on the door and the professor stepped out to talk to my mother, while my face was still puffed up red from crying. My professor was puzzled by how I looked and asked my mother, “What’s wrong? Why is Sarah crying?” My mother calmly explained to the professor what had happened and inquired why she had given me a failing grade. To my professors shock and surprise, she said, “Sarah didn’t fail. In fact, she was the only student in class who understood the material and mastered it quickly. I didn’t give her a failing grade.”

The professor looked up the class registrar on her computer to find my grades and she couldn’t find my name. What we found out was the name on record is “Lee Ling Wei” and she couldn’t remember anyone in class with this name. Thus, she gave a failing grade to a student’s name she didn’t recognize. After the professor figured out what had transpired, she immediately fixed the grade to an A and apologized to me for the distress she had caused. She continued to speak highly of my academic performance to my mother and as both of them continued to talk about me, my mother called me a silly girl for not double checking with the professor.

It was a huge relief that I didn’t fail the class, but it was also a turning point for me that I couldn’t continue existing on paper as “Lee Ling Wei”. So from that day onwards I researched the process for changing your name legally and of course similar to most bureaucracy it wasn’t an easy process. You had to show proof as to why you were changing your name. A few of the examples of proof included marriage certificate, adoption papers and as I read through the complete list, there was only one option that I would qualify to show as proof -- a religious certificate. In this case, a baptism certificate that illustrated my complete name “Sarah Lee Ling Wei.”

I wrote a statement, had it notarized, filled out a lot of paper work, waited in several lines, swore before a judge that the information I provided is true, and paid a lot of fees for every paper work I had to file -- until finally I received an official letter in the mail that the government had officially approved my legal name change. With that letter I was able to show proof at the Identification Card department to produce a new MyKad (a Malaysian government issued form of identification) and subsequently took my new MyKad to the Passport department to issue a new passport with my new legally changed name.

Ever since then, I never had to worry about my name being incorrect or being misidentified as someone else. This was a defining moment for me because it shaped my character to never accept a fate that wasn’t created by me.

When I completed the Malaysian portion of the American transfer degree program, I was ready to take on the next chapter of my education in Kalamazoo, Michigan. I had all my immigration paper work with my correct name and I had a student visa reflecting the same. It was a very exciting time for me -- traveling overseas and to be away from home for more than just a couple of weeks.

Arriving in Kalamazoo was quite an experience. I remember the first time I set foot on Western Michigan University’s (WMU) campus and feeling so lost. Part of our itinerary when we arrived in Kalamazoo was to figure out our living accommodation at the dorms and attending the international student orientation. The international student orientation was filled with Bronco spirit and it was awkward. International students like me who didn’t know the fight song were in quiet observation because we just didn’t know the culture and practices that many other WMU college students have become accustom to.

In addition to experiencing a different campus cultural experience, we were also provided a letter from the Offices of International Student Services to apply for a Social Security card. We also had to apply for a Bronco Card and also a Michigan Identification Card in order to access a variety of benefits on campus. At this point I felt comfortable navigating bureaucracy and paper work to ensure my name was legal and also that I was on legal standing in this country.

I filled out all the paper work for a Social Security card, had money on hand to pay the application fees as well as this letter to prove that I was a student at WMU who might be applying for employment on campus. The paper work part was easy, what I didn’t anticipate was the interview with the Social Security staff who was processing my paper work. First of, they were confused about which part of my name was my last name when they looked at my passport. I told them it’s Lee. Then they asked me which part of my name is my first name. I told them my English first name is Sarah and my Chinese first name is Ling Wei, all of that is part of my first name. At this point, I thought to myself that they were clearly not reading the paper work I had filled out because it was laid out very clearly on paper.

What came next defined the rest of my existence in America of how I talk about myself. The Social Security staff person who was processing my paper work was baffled by my explanation regarding my name. He then explained to me that he is going to hyphenate my Chinese name (Ling-Wei) and my Chinese name is now my middle name. I had never heard of a middle name before and that wasn’t what I was raised to understand as my identity or how identify myself. I didn’t know how to respond at the time and just nodded in agreement thinking to myself, “If this is the only way I am going to get my social security card, then my name has to be listed this way.” This is how my name on my current official documents are listed, “Sarah Ling-Wei Lee.”

A part of my identity changed due to this act of simplification. However, I didn’t think very much of it at the time because I knew who I was and the order of how my name was just the nature of different naming conventions and cultural systems. Reflecting back on this experience, I realize I had changed the way of how I introduce myself to people over the last 17 years in Kalamazoo. More specifically, I have dropped my Chinese name completely, or now my middle name, from conversation and leveraging the levity of a renowned baked good called “Sara Lee” as part of my introduction spiel. Anything else would be a pronunciation or hearing test for the recipient and there is nothing worst than having someone butcher your name in public.

Today, I am extremely comfortable with just Sarah Lee and it doesn’t diminish my pride for my Chinese name or my identity, even though not many people call me by that name in America. My mother from time to time calls me by my full name, especially if she is upset with me. She enjoys regaling me of how I got my Chinese name. I was born during the first Uber Cup badminton competition in Kuala Lumpur and it was featured on the television that my mother was watching after she gave birth to me in the hospital. The renowned women’s badminton player at the time was Li Lingwei and I was named after her that year. Unfortunately, I can’t play badminton well for the life of me but I can hit a birdie from time to time.

If you would like to read more stories about my lived experiences as a Chinese Malaysian immigrant living in America, check out the full list of “31 Stories” project I did in celebration of Asian American Pacific Islander month in May 2020.

[xevilbusinessx]

Every year Jack went to visit his family’s tomb. 

In the mausoleum appeared his name, his mother's and then his father's. In that order. 

Officially Jack died first, during his trip to China. Then his mother, that was murdered by his ( back then and still )  lover. And finally his father, but since they never were fond of the other, Jack didn't care to know about how he died. One year, while visiting the tomb, he noticed that his father was in there and after thinking about it a few hours Jack decided that he would let him stay there, in the family's tomb; now he wasn't able to do anything to pester him nor his mother anymore. 

        Maybe was time to move on.

Jack leaned to leave a bouquet of white roses in the tomb, thinking about her and her smile, and all the things they shared. 

Was during his childhood that he and his mother became close. She protected him from Father, his erratic behaviour and perturbed personality. Since the very beginning Jack felt that his life was a war were he and his mother were on the same side, against his father. 

They were close because they needed to; to don't feel alone, to have someone else there, giving the other strength, to assure the other that they weren't alone in that constant battle. 

    ——  ❛ Hello Mother. I brought you flowers. I know you would have loved them, they look beautiful against the marble of our tomb. ❜ 

Jack sat in the floor, something he didn't like to do. But what kind of son doesn't make some sacrifices  for his mother ?    He smiled again, remembering those times when he was still a toddler and sat at her feet, to watch her sew while he struggled to read his first words. 

    —— ❛ Megan is growing up so fast, you know. And she's getting more and more beautiful every year. I'm so proud of her... My business are going nicely, but you know that already, you always knew that I would be sucessful. My relationship with Han is doing pretty well. I'm sure we are  equally surprised  by that... But we are happy. Well, we are happy most of the time. There are some things that can't be helped when you are having a relationship with a demon. And I know I can be extremely annoying too. ❜

He stared at his gloves, thinking in how his life changed in the past years; Incredibly fast but at the end, he was living a good life. He had a daughter, a lover, he loved them deeply and was loved too. Something that would seem unnatural, but that worked for them.     

    ——  ❛ I still don't have the guts to ask him about your dead. I'm not sure if I ever will have the strength to hear that from him... Or if he will tell me. At any way, I'm sure you were happy to die back then. ❜ 

The last letters he got from her were written by someone else. And Jack knew then that his mother was indeed  very  sick, because she never were the type of person that let anything stop her from doing something, much less something as simple as write herself a letter for his son. Much later Jack thought that, if she was  that  sick the best thing that could happen to her was to finally pass away, freeing herself from her  sick  body and her  sick  life at the side of the  s i c k  man that his father was. 

That could have been the reasoning he used to forgive what had happened with Han and Mother. Still was hard, but at least wasn't painful as before. 

Jack stayed there for an hour, talking alone, remembering things and sharing some news until he noticed the hour and apologized with her, explaining that he had some things to do. 

    ——  ❛ Was nice to talk to you, as always. I will come back some other day, to talk again... I love you, Mother, and I hope you are happy now, wherever you are. ❜

Jack patted the epitaph with the message that wrote himself after fixing the mausoleum for first time and smiled before turning, cleaning his pants to go back home with his family and his life. 

At his back, the beautiful bouquet rest peacefully under the epitaph with his mother's name.

[hellojalapeno]

Preface: This post is the reason I started this blog over a year ago. I've been running away from it for probably longer than that. Yesterday morning on Twitter, I was triggered by the suggestion that there is a "recipe" for sobriety. I don't know this person or their struggles and I really have no interest in calling them out but I wanted to respond to the original poster but found there was way too much to say. It was time for this. I don't know how it's going to be received but it's extremely personal and I am writing it from my own perspective (it's the only one I have) so if it feels like I'm "making this about me" then I guess I'm sorry for that. I have to warn anyone reading this that this post is a bummer to say the very least.

My brother, Sam, was born 1 year and 9 months after I was. We were about as different as two children could be - I was loud, boisterous, bossy, and commanded attention while Sam was quiet, sensitive, sweet, and easy going - but we were best friends. To be honest, I always kind of felt like he was my child as much as he was my parents'. That feeling multiplied when my parents divorced and we moved with our mom 6 hours away from our dad and the only home we'd known. I felt protective and responsible for Sam and for his happiness. I had the typical "I can mess with my brother but you can't" mentality of an older sibling and leapt to his defense at any perceived slight.

I don't remember exactly when Sam started drinking, it wasn't like he advertised it to our family. I remember nights when we were teenagers and he would come home drunk. I, in my youth group fueled fervent Christian phase, would cry and write him letters in a tone I thought at the time was pleading and heartfelt but was probably more scolding. I can't remember giving him the letters - in all likelihood I just threw them away - but I do remember tiptoeing into his room to take off his shoes after he had passed out.

I remember my senior year in college, I bought tickets for us to see Black Sabbath at Ozz Fest. He took a train to Chicago and when I got to the station to pick him up he was wasted from drinking liquor out of a Scope bottle the whole way up. I had become a social drinker by that point and found the situation at least a little amusing, if not a tad annoying . We took the El to my school cafeteria where they were having a midnight pancake breakfast and where Sam kept disappearing to smoke cigarettes. He apologized for years for "embarrassing me" and for trying to smoke on the train. I know I told him I hadn't been embarrassed but I don't think I told him I had been much more worried than embarrassed.

I remember Sam moving to St. Louis with his girlfriend to attend college. I remember how  hard it was to reach him during that time period and worrying about him nearly constantly. I had the distinct feeling several times that he was homeless. He later admitted that he had been at times. When he and his girlfriend finally broke up (for good) and he moved back in with my mom I was relieved but concerned about the effect of our small hometown on him.

I remember going home for Thanksgiving, pregnant with my son. It had been hard but I had come to terms with the fact that he was a problematic drinker (it was still hard for me to use the term alcoholic but I was trying). He agreed to go outside and talk with me and I begged him to get help for his drinking. I had a list of places he could go, fees they charged, types of treatment. I spent days researching and compiling it. I had written a script so I wouldn't forget everything I wanted to say. He wouldn't look at me. He looked like he hated me which broke my heart so much that my chest physically ached. I still have a hard time thinking about his face that day. He was silent. I told him I loved him and that I wanted my son to have his smart, creative uncle in his life. I gave the list that he refused to take to my mom. I cried and couldn't stop. I cried the entire nine hour drive back to North Carolina and for weeks after. I finally filed away my notes and the copy of the list I had kept and told myself I had done all that I could do. I told myself that for me and for my baby I would have to put this away and remove myself from it at least for awhile. Months later he called and told me he had lost another relationship over his drinking and wanted to seek treatment. I was wary but so happy. He had never reached out like that. I never heard another thing about it.

I remember when Sam got a DUI driving home to my mom's house. When he went to court, the judge told him he had never heard of someone having such a high blood-alcohol volume and still being able to stand. He gave him a ten day jail sentence and mom and I hoped it would be a good thing for him. My mom took him to jail to surrender right before his birthday, right before Christmas. We tried not to imagine him detoxing in jail.

I remember my mom calling and telling me that she had to take Sam to the hospital. He hadn't been eating and had been throwing up blood. When they initially went to Urgent Care, the nurse guessed he was either diabetic or alcoholic just from the smell in the room. They sent him to the ER immediately. Since Sam hadn't been eating and had only been drinking liquor, his body was trying to get nourishment from somewhere and it just couldn't. The doctors told him that if he didn't stop drinking immediately he would be dead in five years. To me that seemed optimistic. They offered to help treat his withdrawal and, according to my mom, he had accepted. For weeks, my mom reported to me that Sam was in a daze from the medication but I wasn't sure what it was from. I went home for Thanksgiving and on my last night there, Sam was clearly drunk. I went home and wrote him another letter begging him to stop. Telling him how much we loved him and that mom and I didn't want to lose him. Telling him that we would do anything, ANYTHING to help him. Feeling like the words I wrote were feeble compared to how much I really felt those things. I remember hoping upon hope and taking walks at night and thinking of what songs we might play at his funeral and begging God or whoever to please help my brother.

I remember Sam called me when I was headed to the store to pick up a few things for Christmas dinner with the kids. He told me for the thousandth time that we were the Addams Family and I was Morticia. He wasn't particularly coherent. I texted my boyfriend, Josh, afterwards that I hadn't understood any of the conversation. My mom claimed he had been taking the detox medication.

I remember being on a flight to Nashville with the same thoughts running on a loop in my head. Please get there in time. And the words no one would say to me and that I kept having to force myself to say - to my boss, to my best friend, to Josh - My brother is dying. Josh picked me up from the airport and hugged me but I couldn't speak. I kept starting sentences but not knowing how to finish them. I stared out the window and thought the same thoughts and hoped we would get there sooner but also that we would never get there. He held my hand. I cried. I told him angry, hateful thoughts. I looked into the night and just remember seeing dots of light and snow but not registering anything else.

It was late when we pulled into the hospital parking lot and I realized how much I was dreading seeing my parents. To my surprise, my mom had already called my dad and he was there. I dreaded them both leaning on me. I dreaded having to share my pain with them. I felt mean and angry. My mom was outside smoking when we got to the emergency room doors and she led us to the ICU with our hands linked together. My dad hugged me when we got to the room but all I could look at was Sam, lying in a hospital bed motionless with tubes coming out of his face. Everything looked so orderly. I don't know if I even got a chance to step toward his bed before a nurse entered the room. His words seemed fast and shocking and nonsensical. He seemed to think my parents had told me more than they had. You and your mother and father will have to make a decision....Not much we can do. He used the words "choice" and "decision" but it was clear there were no real choices and that there really was no other decision we could make. I felt like I was in the center of a crowd and the room was shrinking. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say but I felt that he was looking at me expectantly. I felt like collapsing. I already knew this was the situation but my heart wasn't ready. "Ok" I think I said, "Ok."


I remember Josh hugging me tightly. I remember my mother's tearful eyes. I remember going to Sam's bed and being surprised at how warm he was. Staring at the blue geometric tattoo on his upper left arm. Looking for a place on his face where I could place a kiss. Noticing the blood in the corners of his mouth. Rubbing his hand. Not wanting to disturb him but knowing he couldn't be disturbed. I remember his breath and how even with the machines he would struggle from time to time. We left the hospital and, alone with Josh, it was hard to walk. I kept wanting to just crouch down on the floor. I told him I didn't want to leave and he told me we didn't have to. We drove to the hotel where I lay awake all night in the dark with the same thoughts in my head: Tomorrow. Tomorrow your brother will die. I still regret leaving the hospital.

The next day at the hospital the decision was officially made. Time was both too slow and too fast. I remember asking my mom if she was going to call anyone to let them know. "I don't want to. I don't want anyone here." She said. "What about his friends," I said. "He loves them. Don't you think they should have a chance to say good-bye?" She hesitantly agreed and contacted Sam's ex-girlfriend who we knew still cared for Sam a lot and she got the word out. The first person to show up was Ricky, dressed in his work clothes. Ricky was a name so familiar to me that I couldn't believe I had never met him. Sam had referred to him as his best friend so many times. I remember Ricky sitting by Sam's bed, staring at the floor. Others started arriving, so many I couldn't keep track. They kept vigil by his bedside as we waited for hospice to arrive. They played songs, they rubbed his skin with lotion, they cried with us. I drifted in and out of Sam's room, Josh standing carefully and steadfastly by my side. I sat outside of his room and thought terrible thoughts. You decided that your brother would die. That thought weighs heavily on me even still. I kept feeling afraid the nurses would come by and tell us we couldn't have all these people in the ICU - there were so many of them, crowding around his bed and lining the hall. Everyone was quiet - hugging, crying, and occasionally offering some memory of Sam. The hospital staff kept a reverent distance.

The waiting was excruciating. The estimated time that the doctor would arrive to remove the machines came and went and I couldn't decide if I wanted more time or if I wanted this to be over. My father kept questioning when they would arrive which felt like sandpaper on my raw emotions. Did he realize what we were so impatient for? I kept waiting for people to start leaving. This was a lot for anyone to take, more than anyone should have to bear. But they stayed.

Finally, the doctors and nurses arrived to begin. They asked if any of us wanted to stay in the room while they removed the machines and they and Josh cautioned us that it was a difficult process to watch and that it might be better if we didn't. I wanted to stay with him and I still wish I had but I knew if I did that my parents would want to also and I didn't think they could handle it. We stepped out and all waited in a cluster by the closed curtain. I had no idea what to expect from any of this. They told us that without the machines he might live a few days or weeks or he might pass very quickly.

When they opened the curtain, my parents, Josh, and I went back in and took places by the bed. I stood on his right side by his head. I watched his chest move up and down three times.  I watched three last breaths escape his body, the last the most precious. Then he stopped. That's a moment I wish I had never had to have but that I would never give up. I don't know how long it took for me to turn around to be enveloped by Josh, sobbing loudly into his chest.

The next few days were raw as I began the process of saying good-bye to Sam. Two years later, I am still going through it and starting to realize I always will be.  Sometimes the thought of that process ending makes me scared because it feels like the only piece of him I have left. Sam was my other half for most of my life and without him I feel half empty and not completely sure who I am. I am fortunate to have so many amazing people in my life - my mom, my kids, and my soulmates @ponystarwars and @juanincognito  - they have helped me through and given me a reason to keep going. Sometimes I still feel alone in the world without my brother. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to keep doing this life without him.

Sam was incredible. He was NOT his alcoholism. Sam was kind to a fault. Sam was creative and talented and smart in a way I can't describe and in a way I've never seen before or since. Sam was genuine and thoughtful and introspective and selfless. Sometimes I think he was too good for this world. Knowing he isn't here anymore to spread his goodness makes me want to be better myself to make up for it. I am lucky to have had him as my brother for 35 years. I hope writing this can help me share more of him here and help me remember his goodness.

So in response to the issue of how to get sober, I know Sam and I know his kind heart and if there was some simple way to recover and keep us all from this hurt I know he would have done it. I know he must have carried a terrible, guilty weight knowing we were hurt by his drinking. I don't have an answer for this, I wish I did. Just know if you're out there, struggling with this from either side, that I'm out here too and there are more like us. We are not alone.

[alienvirals]

The X-Files episode two recap with an autopsy and aliens, all’s well

Kicking off with a mysterious death and some admirably tasteless shocks, the new season is picking up although William, Scullys son, remains annoying

I havent known pleasure for quite some time

The second, much improved episode of the X-Files reboot after last nights mildly appalling agglomeration of false starts begins on a perfectly series-appropriate note, which is to say a gruesome death by invisible means. The first thing after the last-on recap we see in the latest hour, Founders Mutation, is Dr Sanjay, a harried-looking scientist guy with some broken blood vessels in his eye. He departs this plane of existence five minutes in by dint of a none-too-comfortable-looking letter opener in the ear, apparently self-inflicted. Its good to be back.

The episode then follows a lot of the conventions of an old-fashioned detective movie: postmortem investigation of the subjects secret life, and then the larger conspiracy obscuring its most important elements. Sanjay tells his work buddy on the way in that he hasnt known pleasure for quite some time but that appears to be only partly true: hes in the closet, and his hook-up buddy is codenamed Gupta, which we are told is marathi for secret. (Sanjay and his boyfriend Gupta, though? Could the scientists surname not have been Patel or something?)

Thus begins the investigation, a touch abruptly, since theres a lot of connective tissue missing between the first two episodes. At the end of My Struggle, were told that the X-Files have been reopened in the final shot, but by the next day (although who knows how long in TV time) Mulder and Scully have been reinstated completely and are waving badges around and arguing with officious Department of Defense guys trying to abridge their investigation in the name of security clearance.

But frankly, this is what I signed up for: Scully does an autopsy, Mulder steals a cell phone (and then argues with Scully about whether hes invading Sanjays privacy or not) and the two walk around a dark apartment with their Maglites out instead of turning on the lights. Much is right with the world.

Find her

The death which isnt exactly a murder is the fault of a teenage kid with superpowers whos trying to find his twin sister; because this is The X-Files shes of course held in a sterile windowless laboratory by an evil scientist working for the DoD with dozens of other children, a lot of them with deformities.

This feels like the right place to point out that the episode is written and directed by James Wong, not merely a TV vet going back to 21 Jump Street and one of the better writers on the original X-Files (he co-wrote the classic episode Tooms with Glen Morgan, among many others), but also the director of the popular Final Destination horror movie franchise. The X-Files isnt exactly a horror series, but it isnt exactly not a horror series, either.

The central gimmick of the episode that theres a character who remains largely unseen until the last few minutes who causes crazy, in Sanjays case terminal headaches as he uses his ESP is visualized in a very clever and simple way: as the victim (first Sanjay, then Mulder) writhes in pain, the other people in the room appear to be saying what the off-screen mutant is trying to communicate to him, in Mulders case, the words Find her. Its something a horror director would come up with, and its very effective.

The most important thing to remember is that I love you

And it would all have been fine if we didnt start getting flashbacks of Mulder and Scullys kid, William, far and away the least interesting thing that ever happened in the final few seasons of the shows original run. I guess the kid has alien DNA, too, since it was revealed in episode one that Scully has.

In practice it seems to mean that the kid turns into a monster during his teenage years, which I call par for the course. The flashbacks, though, are ridiculous, forced, and adulterate what was for about 25-minutes a pretty compelling monster-of-the-week story. (I infinitely preferred the monster-of-the-week episodes of The X-Files to the grander conspiracy episodes.) If you are a person capable of taking the latter seriously and had some kind of emotional investment in William, I apologize for this and all future recaps of the X-Files, because I hate him so, so much.

Anderson has an unbearably syrupy scene with William (whether flashback or dream, it looks like it was inserted very late in post-production indeed) in which she tells him as he heads off to school that the most important thing to remember is that I love you, because thats a thing Scully apparently says easily and with none of her trademark iciness when William is in the frame; Gillian Anderson is a wonderful actor but its hard to play completely against your character. Theres a better flashback with Mulder that includes some freaking out over Williams terrifying physical changes, but both reek distinctly of having been shoehorned by Carter into an otherwise interesting episode.

We choose to go to the moon

Because this is The X-Files, things dont get less complicated, but they do get back on track, sort of. With everybody talking about The Founder Mulder and Scully finally finagle a meeting with him hes Dr Goldman (Doug Savant, a blast from the 90s all by himself many nostalgia-seekers will remember him as Melrose Places Matt Fielding), a creepy dude with creepy obsessions involved in a creepy baby-stealing plot.

Said plot may or may not (prediction: it will) involve Scullys own weird immaculate conception of William, but Wong uses it to create some genuinely disturbing moments including a DIY abortion scene that leaps boldly across the bounds of good taste; he also directs a scene of superpowered twins reuniting at the end of the episode thats straight out of an X-Men movie and well worth putting up with the missteps.

And look, if you really like William, theres a genuinely sweet scene between him and Mulder at the end of the episode in which the two launch a model rocket and Mulder quotes JFKs we choose to go to the moon speech to him … and a shocking revelation about what happened to him, if you think that a show repeatedly revealing that everyone on it was abducted by aliens (or, I guess, using alien technology, if were buying Carters retcon from last episode) is shocking.

Part of the trouble with this reboot is that The X-Files predates serialization and Netflix bingeing, so its possible to see all the shows flaws in stark relief. As I say, the show kind of perfected a sort of horror mini-movie style of TV, and its a little disappointing to see it mired in nonsense while its trying to reinvigorate that form. There are very, very few dramas Black Mirror, maybe, and a couple of others trying to do anything but serialisation at the moment. I have high hopes for next weeks episode, which colleagues tell me is the best of the bunch so far.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

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[gokoulane]

Dear Iniyaal,

I hope you are Happy, Hale and Healthy.

I am writing this, even though it’s quite unlikely that you would read it someday by yourself. But, knowing the narcissistic me very well, I bet I would definitely make you read this when you are old enough. Probably when you grow up, the hobby of blogging would have become a history. And, I would brag that I used to blog and all and even wrote about you. So, apologies well in advance.

To a maximum extent, I try to jot down the key moments of my life in this blog. Something like a memoir, predominantly for the sole reason to savor those memories later. Though the objective of this blog post is no different, it does feel extra special.

It was on 25th March 2019 we suspected that your mother was conceived with you. Then, you were just a little pink line on a pregnancy test. A couple of days later, I was just leaving the office after a bad day at work. While I was just about to get into the cab, your mom called me to deliver the good news. Yes, the doctor has confirmed that we’re pregnant. That completely changed my mood, and I was jumping out of joy with a big smile on my face. Momentarily, I even clicked one horrible selfie and shared it with your mom. Cos, that’s a moment worth remembering forever.

You are that little pink line on the pregnancy test

That horrible selfie

Since then, it had been one hell of a roller coaster ride for us. It was your mom who went through all the hardships in bringing you safely into this world. Right from diet restrictions, morning sickness to discomfort, and swelling of the foot, she somehow managed it all. All I did was support her a bit by taking her to the hospital for checkups. And, still complained that my weekend got ruined cos of the same. The journey was a bit challenging for me, as I was struggling to fit into my new job at the same time. But on the other side, it was filled with many memorable moments and a few that I would love to recall.

When you were just a 6-7 week only embryo, we went to the OBG doctor for the checkup. During the visit, the doctor showed me a small dot on her Ultra Sonogram machine and made me hear a sound. Then she said, it’s your baby and what you heard was its heartbeat. That moment my heart skipped a beat, hearing your heartbeat.

Your mom started feeling your little movements as early as 4 months. But, I had to wait a couple more months to feel you kick inside her. Now and then your mom would promptly pull my hand towards her belly, just to make me feel your movements. She would always mention that you jiggle a bit extra than usual whenever I used to talk and sing to you (despite my horrible voice). One of those days, you kicked in your mom so hard that I was able to feel it hit hard on my palm. It was such a blissful moment that momentarily got me goosebumps.

This one is definitely unparallel to the above two moments, in fact, unparallel to none. It was quite stressful as the due date approached. It seems you felt so comfortable inside and didn’t even bother to come out, as your mother didn’t have any sign of labor pain even after the due date. On 27th November 2019, around 1 pm, while I was still in the middle of my work, I received a call from your mom that put me straight into the panic mode. She told me that the doctor has advised a c-section, as there was some complexity. I swiftly rushed to the hospital, where your mom was all prepped for surgery in a surgical gown. She instantly noticed my face filled with fright, then she held my hand tight and comforted me that it would be all fine. Yes, it should have been the other way around, but your mom is a strong woman. It’s really tough to explain how I felt waiting outside the operation theatre. It was a mix of anxiety and excitement at the same time. It was almost an hour since they took your mom into the OT. On the other side of the wall, I was trying hard to calm my nerves down with music and ignore everyone around. Around 6 pm, the nurse came out and announced that it’s a baby girl. OMG, I was literally jumping out of joy and can’t wait to meet you for the first time, because I always wanted a girl child. Then 15 mins later, the doctor walked out of the OT holding you and handed you over to my mom and mentioned that you were born at 5.25 pm and weighed 2.450 kgs. You looked so adorable and cute. I can’t be happy enough. A few minutes later, they bought your mom out of the OT. Despite the effect and discomfort of anesthesia, her face glowed with a faint smile. That smile meant a lot of things to me, it’s like telling me that I got what I wanted always. I am pretty sure that she would have been the happiest person that day. That’s definitely one of the most defining and exciting moments of my life.

When the doctor handed you over to my mom, your grandma

How cute ❤

Just before 15 days, on 15th December 2019, we officially named you Iniyaal (இனியாள்) in a simple naming ceremony at your maternal grandparent’s home. Guess what, I am the one who came up with that name even a few months before you were born.

All dressed up

Both my darlings ❤

Now you are just a month old baby who spends most of the time feeding and sleeping. I admire every tiny aspect of you and go really crazy when you smile, though you smile quite rarely. Very cute and adorable, I must say.

That priceless smile.

Currently, you are a Chamathu innocent baby, but soon you would become an annoying kid. I hope eventually you transform into an intelligent girl and a strong woman. I wish that you grow up as a queen of your own world, rather than the little princess of mine. And, I extend all my support for the same.

Your mom would definitely kill me for posting the below pic. But, just look at the way she adores you. She loves you a lot Iniyaal.

Again, I apologize for the lengthy and boring letter.

Be Happy and Keep Smiling.

Your Awesome Loving Dad, Gokoulane

Last blog post of the year. Dedicated to my new born daughter, Hey Little Pink Line Dear Iniyaal, I hope you are Happy, Hale and Healthy. I am writing this, even though it's quite unlikely that you would read it someday by yourself.